The everyday stories of fallen angels...

It is difficult being a girl in a country where most rules are made for girls and the consequences of breaking those rules are also faced by them. Hundreds of cases of rape, molestation, sexual harassment come out every year and any logical person knows that the number being reported is only a small fraction. There are serious offences taking place every day that are not even reported because a majority in our country are taught to ignore rather than fight back. Forget incidents that can be pointed at, so much of sexual harassment happens in a public space and so frequently that sometimes we cannot even make out whether it was accidental or intentional. This blog is not a feminist rant, it is a collection of very real incidents (without going into names) that has happened in everyday lives. What happens when we ignore? Does it leave a mark? Do we keep thinking about it over years? Do we learn to build up our defenses?

Travelling by public transport during school days was a menace especially during peak hours. Cramped in a crowded, sweaty bus with people falling over you every time the driver braked, it was often a casual stroke of the hand against your back or a quick grope in the crowd where you can't even make out who did it. These stories are commonplace and I haven't come across anyone who has traveled in those over-crowded buses and has not experienced a variety of these. Most ignored these crass advances while willing their stop to come soon, some replied with sharp jabs of the elbow or a stamp of their heels. Shared autos were another evil when sitting squashed in the back seat with perverts who got their two minutes of pleasure by trying to grope you while hiding their hands behind bags. After a few bad experiences, most girls I know are now extremely careful when sitting in autos, often shouting at the passenger and making him get down if he tries to attempt anything. Sometimes you were not even spared while walking. Forget catcalls and the occasional jeering, a very common harassment was a random hand grabbing you while you walked down a busy street. Before you can react, cry out or even see who did it, the hand has vanished into the crowd. What you are left with is pain, embarrassment and years of clutching your dupatta or bag in front of you while you walked.

Then there are the more direct cases, the ones where you know it is completely intentional. The tailor who feels you up while acting like he is taking measurements. The tuition teacher who touches your body parts while claiming he was 'teaching' you biology. The doctor who lingers on your breast while checking them. Yes I know many would say that it was all imagined or that you are overthinking. But you know it was real and you were too scared or embarrassed to tell anyone. Sometimes you wondered whether it was your fault and you felt guilty about not speaking  up. So you simply switched tailors or you gave excuses to not go to the tuition. It is all in the spirit of ignoring what is going on and convincing yourself that it was somehow your fault. And even if it was not your fault, it is easier to just start going to a different tailor/ teacher/ doctor than deal with all the unpleasant confrontations.

And these are not even offences like rape where victim-blaming is so common that even the rapists know that if they somehow blamed the victim, some brain-dead people would definitely agree with them. Whether it is the question of what the victim was wearing or what she was doing with male friends... somehow the offended becomes the offender. But I digress. What I am discussing here are everyday occurrences most of which cannot even be explained, let alone be reported to the police. But do they stay with us in our minds and psyche? Yes they do. Most of the people who recounted these incidents remembered the details with utmost clarity. So why do we still insist on ignoring? Why can't we teach young children to be offended and to react when anything like this happens? The good thing is that more people are speaking up now and with the advent of social media, a lot of information and stories of how someone stood up to their offender are available. Precaution is important but so is knowing when it is not your fault and confronting the matter. Being aware of your surroundings and knowing how to protect yourself is what we should be learning and teaching others. That would be true empowerment and that is the only way things will start to change.

Durga Puja diaries... and Nostalgia!

Its that time of the year again. It is said that a Bengali always plans his/her year around Durga Puja. The first thing we check out at the beginning of the year are the festival dates and if you are staying outside Kolkata, you need to save your vacation days for Durga Puja. The worst event in a Bengali IT engineer's life is if there is a production release around Durga Puja time.... then there would be some blood and tears!
Being a Bengali, it is needless to say that the five days of Durga Puja are the most important days in my year. Over the last few years my job in Hyderabad forced me to stay away from Kolkata but I always went back every year with the same anticipation and excitement. It is a time to forget everything else, be with family and friends and just soak in the festivities. For us, it is not just about offering prayers and asking for Maa Durga's blessings, it is more than a religious activity, it is a five day extravaganza when the city is transformed into an unending celebration.
This year things are different because I am in a different continent and would not be able to make it home for the puja. As I write this blog, I realize that I would rather be experiencing the festival than sitting on my sofa and reminiscing about it. But instead of whining about what can't be, here are my thoughts of what Durga Puja has always been to me.

The idol at Sovabazar Rajbari... one of the oldest in Kolkata

• Mahalaya... Seven days before the start of Durga Puja, Mahalaya heralds the start of the journey for Durga Maa and her children. What I remember most about it is the early morning program on All India Radio called "The Annihilation of the Demon". My sisters and I would be fast asleep in bed and at about four in the morning, my dad would turn on the radio in our bedroom. We would wake up to the booming voice of Birendra Krishna Bhadra reciting Sanskrit shlokas followed by the Doordarshan program about how Maa Durga was created to annihilate Mahisasura. In that moment, in the wee hours of the morning, my heart would be filled with inexplicable joy and anticipation. Puja had begun!
• Shopping... A Bengali will always religiously shop for Durga Puja. When we were kids, it was imperative that we have two new garments for each day of Puja. We would brave the heavy crowds, the humid Kolkata weather and hours of browsing and bargaining to get the perfect clothes. It was a time to pull out all stops, follow the fashion trends of the year and generally flaunt our wardrobes. I remember when my sisters and I would make a chart for the Puja week with a list of the clothes we would wear each day! The irony now is that I have all the clothes I could possibly want but not the opportunity to wear them and enjoy the festival.

  

  Shopping frenzy at New Market

• Cultural Events... As kids, the most important aspect of Durga Puja was the performances we put up. Plays, dances, songs... we did it all! Rehearsals would start months before Puja and all of us would put in tremendous amount of hard work to ensure that the shows were memorable. The fun times, the colorful costumes and makeup and most of all the applause... these are some of my most cherished memories. Before it all became commercialized, this was a time to bond with all the kids of our society and enjoy performing on stage.

  

  Children perform at our society

• Pandal hopping... Everyone knows the most important thing about Durga Puja is pandal (the temporary fabricated structures put up for housing the goddess) hopping or the art of visiting as many pandals as you can manage. And believe me, as any Bengali will tell you, it is not an easy task! Beating the crowds, managing parking, navigating the long lines and yet keeping your makeup intact for the photos... it is truly an art. Going out with friends, we would always start with a lot of enthusiasm and finally end up gorging on Chinese food in Chinatown. The other memorable time was the all night pandal hopping which is a tradition in itself. During these five days it feels like the entire city is awake and on the streets. My younger sister would always protest because she hated being up all night and dragged through the crowds but I always looked forward to it. Well this year I will be doing virtual pandal hopping thanks to social media. What I would give to part of the festive crowd with my family this year!

  

  This is not a building... It's a pandal constructed like a zamindar house. 

• Sindur Khela and Immersion... Strictly speaking, I have not got the chance to participate in Sindur Khela yet which is when married ladies take blessings of the Gods and apply vermilion on each other. After getting married last year, this would be my first chance to take part in this ritual. But till last year, I enjoyed watching as the ladies of the society would engage in smearing vermilion on each other and bidding farewell to Maa Durga. Of course, I would also be the designated photographer for this occasion. The last bit of the festival which is etched on my mind is the immersion of the idols into the water and the hopeful cries of "Asche bocchor abar hobey" (We'll wait for you next year). There would always be a heavy feeling in my heart which signaled that the festivities were over and it was time to get back to the grind. But what remains is the hope of next year even if we do not know what the next year will bring. That is indeed the spirit and soul of Durga Pujo!

  

  Sindur khela time... My mother and elder sister with friends

  
  
   

Be strong when you are weak...

I recently came across a quote by Michelle Moschetti...
“Be strong when you are weak. Be brave when you are scared. Be humble when you are victorious.”

This quote stuck with me because of the sheer dichotomy between the two things... how can you be strong when you are weak? How can you be brave when you are scared? Is it possible to be humble when you are victorious?

Being weak is not a negative quality. It is okay to admit that you wanted that job that you did not get. It is alright to cry because a person you thought was a friend betrayed you. It is fine that you shut yourself out because you lost someone you loved and your world fell apart. All these things that test our inner strength can sometimes make us feel that we are weak and cannot handle pain. So when everything seems to be going against us, how do we stay strong?

I once heard this line... "When the world pushes you down to your knees, you are in the perfect position to pray". Here pray does not merely mean praying to God. There are people who find strength in prayer, who believe that there is a divine being who is looking after them. So in these times, they turn to God for strength and for hope. There is also another power, a power that we have within us. At the cost of sounding cliched, I have to say that we often underestimate the strength that we have. The strength in the form of parents, families, friends, our own skills, hobbies... these are things we forget when the weight of our troubles makes us feel weak. To be strong when we are at our lowest is not at all easy and there are times when it feels impossible. The important thing is to acknowledge weakness, make peace with it but never give in to it. 

The monsters under our beds are now monsters within us. These are monsters we fight every day... depression, fear of losing our loved ones, fear of failure... there are times when I feel so scared of my future that I am unable to deal with my present. So how do we be brave when we are scared?

As we learned in Harry Potter (and echoed throughout history), "the only thing to fear is fear itself". While Harry was bewildered when he heard this, what it means is that the source of fear is often out of our control but what we can control is our reaction to it. That is the only way to face our demons, accept that there will always be things outside our control and the only way to not be scared of them is to prepare ourselves to the best of our abilities and believe that "help will always come to those who deserve it".

There are times when everything is going great in life. Plans are working out, the pieces of the puzzle are falling into place and everything is great. When we are winning in life, is it possible to remain grounded? It is not wrong to praise ourselves or bask in our victories. In fact, being happy with yourself is a very important quality. But when does it transcend into empty pride and ego?

I used to write a quote on my office whiteboard... "Keep smiling, the worst is yet to come". 

While a lot of people told me, it was an unnecessarily negative quote, I had two reasons for it. One, when I was down, it reminded me that things could be a lot worse and that gave me the strength to carry on with a smile. Secondly, it would remind me to be humble and not take things for granted because tomorrow could bring difficulties and new things to learn. And if you are wondering about the other quote written across the board, "No one is free... Even the birds are chained to the sky", it is another line which I heard and it stuck in my mind. This line also helps me stay grounded and be in touch with reality.

The real attempt of this blog is to remind ourselves that there will be times when we will be down... those are the times to look for the strength that we already have and it will surprise us. And also that there will be times when pride can create disillusion... that is when a reality check will help us.

What color do you choose?

That India is a racist country is an undeniable fact. There is prejudice against dark skin color and color is associated... often unfairly... with caste, region, social strata and the list goes on. While dismissing racism as a Western evil, we participate in it everyday and in almost everything. Personally, I have faced a lot of snide remarks and insults because of my dark skin and even though I have slowly learned to accept it and take pride in it, there have been times when I have wished that I was different. There are so many wrong concepts ingrained in us that it is painful to think about and the worst part is that most people do not even realize that their obsession with fair complexion is something that should change. I wanted to point out some obvious situations which brings out this racist mentality in us so here goes:

• Idea that fair is lovely: The major problem is the idea that you are beautiful only if you are fair skinned. From matrimonial ads to commercials, everything in India will scream out to you that you should not be dark. I was in the fifth standard when I overheard some of my "friends" laughing about how dark and ugly I was. That was the first time it struck me that something was wrong in our mentality if even kids of the fifth standard mocked a person because of their complexion. If you open any random matrimonial section, everyone wants a bride who is "tall, fair and slim". Nothing else matters as long as you qualify in these three categories. I have heard people argue that the reason for this is so that their kids would also have fair skin... so let me get this straight... you are not only a biased generation, you are ensuring that the next generation is equally biased. My wedding makeup artist tried to make me "white" by putting on layers of compact powder when my sister intervened saying that we are not trying to hide anything so please wipe that right off. She didn't look too pleased, after all she was doing me a favor by trying to whiten me up!
• The caste divide: Another ridiculous thing that we Indians do is depict lower caste people as dark-skinned and upper castes as fair-skinned. Growing up, it was nothing out of the ordinary to see textbooks with pictures of pandits having lighter skin and manual laborers having dark complexion. It was not until I was older and read more about all these that I realized that the idea we have about complexion being an yardstick for measuring a person's worth is not only wrong, but extremely deep-rooted. This deep-seated prejudice has led to the idea that fair is beautiful and this continues to be propagated through movies, commercials and even school textbooks.
• The region bias: Being a land of diversity, we Indians could have embraced the rich diversity and learned from the innumerable cultures. Instead, it is alarming to observe the biased opinions that many of us hold towards the people who seem different from us. From the context of this article, one of the most common prejudice we have is when we say... "North Indians are fair skinned and South Indians are dark skinned". And then proceed to explain about Aryans and Dravidians not realizing that we are participating in stereotyping. 

Growing up in India, I have been reminded time and again about how being fair is better and how a tube of Fair and Lovely can get me a job even if I am not qualified for it! When I hear educated people say how they are eating certain things to ensure that their kids would be born with fair skin, I am afraid that we are carrying these prejudices to our next generation. Even though I have made peace with my skin color and realized that success has got nothing to do with your complexion (even though  Indian beauty ads will tell you otherwise), I wonder when we will stop shaming people because of the color they are born with?