It is difficult being a girl in a country where most rules are made for girls and the consequences of breaking those rules are also faced by them. Hundreds of cases of rape, molestation, sexual harassment come out every year and any logical person knows that the number being reported is only a small fraction. There are serious offences taking place every day that are not even reported because a majority in our country are taught to ignore rather than fight back. Forget incidents that can be pointed at, so much of sexual harassment happens in a public space and so frequently that sometimes we cannot even make out whether it was accidental or intentional. This blog is not a feminist rant, it is a collection of very real incidents (without going into names) that has happened in everyday lives. What happens when we ignore? Does it leave a mark? Do we keep thinking about it over years? Do we learn to build up our defenses?
Travelling by public transport during school days was a menace especially during peak hours. Cramped in a crowded, sweaty bus with people falling over you every time the driver braked, it was often a casual stroke of the hand against your back or a quick grope in the crowd where you can't even make out who did it. These stories are commonplace and I haven't come across anyone who has traveled in those over-crowded buses and has not experienced a variety of these. Most ignored these crass advances while willing their stop to come soon, some replied with sharp jabs of the elbow or a stamp of their heels. Shared autos were another evil when sitting squashed in the back seat with perverts who got their two minutes of pleasure by trying to grope you while hiding their hands behind bags. After a few bad experiences, most girls I know are now extremely careful when sitting in autos, often shouting at the passenger and making him get down if he tries to attempt anything. Sometimes you were not even spared while walking. Forget catcalls and the occasional jeering, a very common harassment was a random hand grabbing you while you walked down a busy street. Before you can react, cry out or even see who did it, the hand has vanished into the crowd. What you are left with is pain, embarrassment and years of clutching your dupatta or bag in front of you while you walked.
Then there are the more direct cases, the ones where you know it is completely intentional. The tailor who feels you up while acting like he is taking measurements. The tuition teacher who touches your body parts while claiming he was 'teaching' you biology. The doctor who lingers on your breast while checking them. Yes I know many would say that it was all imagined or that you are overthinking. But you know it was real and you were too scared or embarrassed to tell anyone. Sometimes you wondered whether it was your fault and you felt guilty about not speaking up. So you simply switched tailors or you gave excuses to not go to the tuition. It is all in the spirit of ignoring what is going on and convincing yourself that it was somehow your fault. And even if it was not your fault, it is easier to just start going to a different tailor/ teacher/ doctor than deal with all the unpleasant confrontations.
And these are not even offences like rape where victim-blaming is so common that even the rapists know that if they somehow blamed the victim, some brain-dead people would definitely agree with them. Whether it is the question of what the victim was wearing or what she was doing with male friends... somehow the offended becomes the offender. But I digress. What I am discussing here are everyday occurrences most of which cannot even be explained, let alone be reported to the police. But do they stay with us in our minds and psyche? Yes they do. Most of the people who recounted these incidents remembered the details with utmost clarity. So why do we still insist on ignoring? Why can't we teach young children to be offended and to react when anything like this happens? The good thing is that more people are speaking up now and with the advent of social media, a lot of information and stories of how someone stood up to their offender are available. Precaution is important but so is knowing when it is not your fault and confronting the matter. Being aware of your surroundings and knowing how to protect yourself is what we should be learning and teaching others. That would be true empowerment and that is the only way things will start to change.
Travelling by public transport during school days was a menace especially during peak hours. Cramped in a crowded, sweaty bus with people falling over you every time the driver braked, it was often a casual stroke of the hand against your back or a quick grope in the crowd where you can't even make out who did it. These stories are commonplace and I haven't come across anyone who has traveled in those over-crowded buses and has not experienced a variety of these. Most ignored these crass advances while willing their stop to come soon, some replied with sharp jabs of the elbow or a stamp of their heels. Shared autos were another evil when sitting squashed in the back seat with perverts who got their two minutes of pleasure by trying to grope you while hiding their hands behind bags. After a few bad experiences, most girls I know are now extremely careful when sitting in autos, often shouting at the passenger and making him get down if he tries to attempt anything. Sometimes you were not even spared while walking. Forget catcalls and the occasional jeering, a very common harassment was a random hand grabbing you while you walked down a busy street. Before you can react, cry out or even see who did it, the hand has vanished into the crowd. What you are left with is pain, embarrassment and years of clutching your dupatta or bag in front of you while you walked.
Then there are the more direct cases, the ones where you know it is completely intentional. The tailor who feels you up while acting like he is taking measurements. The tuition teacher who touches your body parts while claiming he was 'teaching' you biology. The doctor who lingers on your breast while checking them. Yes I know many would say that it was all imagined or that you are overthinking. But you know it was real and you were too scared or embarrassed to tell anyone. Sometimes you wondered whether it was your fault and you felt guilty about not speaking up. So you simply switched tailors or you gave excuses to not go to the tuition. It is all in the spirit of ignoring what is going on and convincing yourself that it was somehow your fault. And even if it was not your fault, it is easier to just start going to a different tailor/ teacher/ doctor than deal with all the unpleasant confrontations.
And these are not even offences like rape where victim-blaming is so common that even the rapists know that if they somehow blamed the victim, some brain-dead people would definitely agree with them. Whether it is the question of what the victim was wearing or what she was doing with male friends... somehow the offended becomes the offender. But I digress. What I am discussing here are everyday occurrences most of which cannot even be explained, let alone be reported to the police. But do they stay with us in our minds and psyche? Yes they do. Most of the people who recounted these incidents remembered the details with utmost clarity. So why do we still insist on ignoring? Why can't we teach young children to be offended and to react when anything like this happens? The good thing is that more people are speaking up now and with the advent of social media, a lot of information and stories of how someone stood up to their offender are available. Precaution is important but so is knowing when it is not your fault and confronting the matter. Being aware of your surroundings and knowing how to protect yourself is what we should be learning and teaching others. That would be true empowerment and that is the only way things will start to change.
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