Crushes... And all that we grew out of!

One of the most fun things about being young is getting crushes on random people. Its entertaining, seldom serious and mostly leaves behind memories that will make you smile years later (unless it becomes serious and leaves you heart-broken). Crushes are short, sweet and strong... And meant to be kept that way! Over the years my friends and I have had crushes on many people (some more than the others) and done some pretty crazy stuff (which we thought was extremely cool behavior at that time).

• The 'stalking'... This one is high up in the list. What do you do when you have a crush on someone but you just don't know enough about them? You start stalking. Nowadays we really don't have to try too hard because people voluntarily proclaim on social media what they are doing/ where they are going/ who they are with but those were the days when social media was not was not very popular and stalking was still done the old-fashioned way. Hanging around after coaching classes to see who he interacts with, where he goes. Using the ever dependent network of friends to find out more details (exactly the idea behind social networking).
  
• The 'prank calls'... Ever tried calling people, saying random things and then hanging up? That was a major activity whenever we would hang out with friends. Years before the mobile phone ended all anonymity, we had those traditional landlines (hopefully without caller IDs) where we could call and pose as talk show hosts complete with fake song requests, people claiming to count household population, one-sided lover begging for a date... the variety we had was nothing short of amazing! Of course there were also the revenge prank calls for those we didn't like *wink wink*...
  
• The 'dedication'... In those days the seriousness with which we had crushes is something I have not even shown  for my studies. Even a crush on a celebrity was something to be respected, defended and if required fought for. Oh the hours we spent fighting among ourselves to decide whose favorite cricketer/ actor/ singer was the ultimate. Then there was collecting posters, memorabilia, newspaper articles, random junk... the idea being that the most dedicated one would put in the most effort. It was finally after I moved out of the city for my job that my mother was allowed to remove all my Hrithik Roshan posters!
  
• The 'anonymity'... The best crush situation was when the person you had a crush on did not know about it (maybe did not even know who you were). Then you could basically do everything and not worry about being humiliated. You could send in anonymous song requests on the radio and not worry about getting found out. You could write endless poems and letters which would be stored away between pages of your diary (if I read them now I would probably be rolling on the floor laughing). And yes, the staring in class (or wherever you see them), observing them and their every expression, the smile that lit up their face... those were such simple joys of life.
  
• The 'heartbreaks'... Of course nothing completes the cycle without the heartbreak. Seeing someone... crushing on them... doing the above things... finding out its not going to happen (mostly because you didn't actually try)... mope around and listen to sad songs... go out and see someone else... and the cycle continues! I was so upset when Rahul Dravid got married that I refused to get out of bed (of course that one still hurts). Those were the heartbreaks that inspired poetry and stories in us. Now all it does is make us wonder is it all worth it?

No, this one doesn't have a lesson in it. We may have grown out of those silly actions but every once in a while, it brings a smile to remember those days. Yup, made me smile to remember :)

The tales of long distance relationships...

Yesterday, my flatmates and I were discussing the effects long distance has on relationships. In a world where normal relationships are difficult enough to sustain, throw the troubles of long distance into the mix and you have to ask yourself... is the relationship worth it? Having been in different long distance relationships over the years... only one of which worked out (thankfully), I often end up giving advice on this subject whether to my friends or to strangers on Quora.
So really, what is a long distance relationship worth? What are the two sides of it? What are the chances of it working out?

As usual, lets start with the NEGATIVES first (just because I want to leave something good at the end)

• Lack of trust: Trust is the most important thing which is the basis of any healthy relationship but certainly plays an even bigger role when distance threatens that trust. In a long distance relationship there is no way you can know what the other person is up to all the time (nor is it the healthy thing to do). Trust that the other person is not cheating/ lying and don't do it yourself.
  If you are trying this with the wrong person (or the wrong circumstances), somewhere the trust will be broken and you will know that it is not worth it anymore.
• Lack of communication: A long distance relationship requires a lot of patience, understanding and communication which sadly a lot of people don't have. Even if you are on different sides of the world, there are so many ways to communicate. Make sure you do it on a regular basis. Don't do it just for the sake of it, do it because you are genuinely interested. Also, there will be days when one of you is just too busy... Take out a few moments to talk...
  Communication is a great indicator of whether the person is worth all the time and trouble. If all the messages/calls are from your end only, it is time to rethink the relationship.
• Missing the physical presence: When my boyfriend moved to US, I felt that the life had gone out of the city where we spent many years together. Everywhere I went reminded my of little things we had done together... catching a movie, eating out at our favorite restaurant... There will be times when you just need the presence of the person in front of you... to hold, to touch... but he could be miles away and there is nothing much you can do about it.
  P.S. This does not mean touching someone else. I know many of us blame distance for our indiscretions but maybe its an indication of changing needs.
• Lost in translation: One of the most difficult things in a long distance is managing during fights and arguments. Imagine being on opposite sides of the world. When one of you is waking up, the other is about to go to bed. Now imagine an argument during that time... when you want to finish the argument before going to bed and your partner wants to avoid it because his/her day is just starting and no one wants to fight at the beginning of the day. All these things lead to the buildup of tension and leads to the argument becoming worse than it actually was.
  Don't let the argument become bigger than the relationship... resolve it before it blows out of proportion. 
• Out of sight... Out of mind: There is a saying "out of sight... out of mind" (by some genius) and unfortunately it does come true in lot of cases. I have come across so many stories where people have moved apart because the distance just became too much to handle. Many times, people get closer to someone who is in the near vicinity simply because it is more convenient. These are not excuses, but a harsh reality. Since their partner is far away and it seems that they are missing out on important moments of life, people find someone else who is closer and seems to be there to spend time with.
  I know from experience that long distance relationships might start to seem like a waste of time but with the right person, all the waiting and the hours of talking on the phone will be worth it.
  
  

And now finally, we come to the POSITIVES of a long distance relationship (yes there are some good sides of it)

• A worthy relationship: A long distance relationship will prove to you whether it is worth your time and effort. It will survive the distance and time and emerge stronger than ever. It is easy to be committed to a person who is in front of  you and ready to spend time to you whenever you want but it is whole another experience to keep that love and commitment intact when all you get is a Skype call before one of you has to go to sleep.
  What I have learnt is that if your relationship can survive long distance, it can survive a lot! 
• Listen and not just hear: You learn to listen and understand each other better when you don't have the advantage of seeing the person face-to-face. A lot of times we are so involved in the activity we are doing together, we don't really listen to each other. But when all the other distractions are gone and all you have are words to bridge that distance, those words become more meaningful than ever. You learn to pay attention to what the other person is saying because it forms a big part of how you can experience each others worlds without being in front of each other.
• Absence makes the heart grow fonder: You start to remember the good times rather than the bad. As human beings, we always try to remember good memories instead of bad ones. When you are away from a person, you'll recall their good qualities and the great times you spent together. You'll miss them and want to be with them. This is a very good thing... use the opportunity to remind your partner how much they are being missed. It will remind them of the good memories and keep the romance alive. If possible, plan trips to see each other and refuel the relationship.
• Grow as a person: When two people are always physically together, they might not have time for themselves as individuals. Instead of seeing the long distance as a negative, see it as an opportunity to spend on yourself and your hobbies and interests. Spend it on allowing yourself to grow and mature as a person. Often we get so lost in another person, we forget our individuality because we are too busy being a couple. Instead of that, spend time with your friends, get a new talent and the next time you meet your partner... you can show it off! Growing as a person you will also deal with your relationship and it will give you more insight on whether the relationship is real.
• Finally, the meeting: I'll leave the best for the last.. when you meet after time apart, its the best feeling in the world! Seriously, after months (sometimes years) of only talking over phone/ internet it is an incredible feeling to meet the person you love. The very moment you see him coming out of the airport gates and its all you can do to stop yourself from running into his arms... nothing can beat that feeling. And knowing that your love has survived a lot, that just makes everything more special.

Its difficult to be in a long distance relationship and I would not advise it if you have other options but sometimes life does not give you a choice. So if you are faced with the distance, don't let the situation overwhelm you. Let it be a test which might just make your relationship stronger than it is. And believe that one day... not too far away... the person you love will be in your arms!

I can so relate to this!

When the going gets tough...

When life springs surprises, there is no saying what you'll end up with. It could be good surprise or a nasty one. It may take you to cloud nine or bring you down to your knees. But one thing is certain... when the going gets tough, the tough get going! Before you start wondering what this is all about, let me give you the complete backstory.

About a year ago, when I left my homeland and came to the United States, I was a dependent on my husband. I was one of the countless Indian women who come to the States with their spouse and who cannot be employed here because they don't have a work visa. For someone who had started working straight out of college and never imagined a day when she would be unemployed, it was a life-altering situation. Suddenly the routine that had dictated my life... waking up, getting ready, commuting to office, dealing with the work for the day, coming back home after good and bad days at office and reacting accordingly... was not there anymore. The first few weeks were like an extended vacation... the first one in 5 years and I enjoyed them thoroughly with my husband. Having just got married, it was a honeymoon period in a perfect location. And then that period started feeling stale. As far as I could see, endless free days stretched ahead. But far from feeling free, what I was feeling was scared and listless. The days started getting longer and there seemed to be an emptiness within me which no amount of Game of Thrones or reruns of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. could fill. I'm sure its a familiar feeling felt by many people who have had to give up working for various reasons. Even if the reasons are strong, it sometimes feels frivolous. But this piece is about how to be stronger than your worries. So instead of whiling away days, I started looking for ways to fill them meaningfully. I rediscovered sketching... something I had not touched for years. I met people who encouraged me to create crafts and learn new things like crochet. I joined the local library and read to my heart's content. I restarted my old blog and sharing pieces with my friends... something that I had missed doing for years. Instead of viewing cooking as an arduous task, I started experimenting with new recipes and different kinds of items (often with disastrous results). Swimming is another thing that I tried to learn during this time. I even started self-learning to play the piano app on my iPhone by looking up notes on the internet. There were times when I felt lonely and depressed... when people who I considered friends turned against me. I tried to focus myself by joining Yoga classes. The point is, I realized that I had been gifted valuable time to broaden my horizons instead of whining about what I couldn't have. Once I realized this, there was no looking back.

Wearing crochet hats that I made...

And then came another change in my life... my work permit was approved and I got a job... something I had been desperately waiting for. Suddenly my life was turned upside down because the job I got was in a different state far away from Florida. Within a week I was supposed to uproot my life, leave my husband back home and move to Connecticut. As if the pain of separation was not enough, I would be leaving the sunshine state and moving to a snow-covered one to live with complete strangers. For a person who does't even drive, it was a terrifying feeling. It was almost so surreal that even while I was packing, I was having a hard time believing it. Looking around the apartment that we had made our first home after marriage, I broke down many times. The thought of not waking up next to my husband everyday was so scary that it made me want not to go. But every time I felt weak, I reminded myself that I had desperately been wanting to work and had finally been given the chance. A chance that not everyone gets. So when the day came when I had to wave goodbye to my husband as he left for Florida, I was determined to face each day with a smile and count my blessings that I had been given the chance to work and continue my career. So I moved into an apartment with three other girls and started a new phase of life. So far I have experienced a snow shower, managed to get lost on the way to the train-station and missing my husband like crazy. There will be days when I will wish things were different, but its still a chance I would take.

First day outside my office...

What scares us most is changing what is familiar. When faced with an unfamiliar territory, it is difficult to let go of what makes us comfortable and go down a new path. If only we can let go of the fear of the unknown, there could be great things waiting for us. So yes, the going does get tough sometimes but those are the times when the tough have to get going!