The Great Indian Wedding!

Today you will be treated to a unique insight into the part of the wedding that I find the most interesting... the wedding guests. Indian weddings tend to be grand affairs, the bigger the better (that goes for everything)! Which means people like me get a lot of opportunity to observe guests with their little eccentricities and tell you stories about them. So here goes…

The first in my list are The Inappropriate Uncles: Alcohol is not served at most Indian weddings and with good reason but some of the older uncles still manage to sneak in drinks which they hide in a room. No one is allowed in that room, as kids we were told that "grown-ups are doing important work there". Yeah, I bet. So that usually ends up with drunk people saying inappropriate things. There was this guy once at a wedding who after a few drinks, came up to another man and described in vivid detail a very hot lady who was standing across the room. After he was done, the man turned to him and said... "I hear you bro, that's my wife".

While the drinkers may get into trouble, this next group never does. They are:

The Eaters: There are a lot of people who come to weddings just to eat. I have friends who attended the wrong wedding because they went straight to the buffet! They sometimes skip lunch to make sure they do not have to turn away the second helping of dessert. That would be a regret you would carry to your grave. Now I know in church marriages, you have the service which everyone attends and then you have the reception. In Indian weddings, you can literally start eating as soon as you enter and getting a seat at the banquet hall is like playing a game of thrones. “All men must die”. And of course, no one watches the actual ceremony... the usual way of doing things is to come late, hand over the gift, click a few selfies and head straight for the food. The only people who are forced to watch are the bride and groom... and the wedding photographer because he is being paid to.

But the group to watch out for are:

The Wedding Mafia: This is the group of ladies that you need to avoid at all costs... If they catch you, they are going to fix your marriage to their neighbor's second sister's nephew's cousin's brother or somebody equally ridiculous. About 50% of arranged marriages in India are fixed at someone else's wedding... A number I just made up to sound impressive. Seriously though, at my elder sister's wedding, I lost count of the number of the number of people who told me "You're next!" *wink wink* I honestly debated whispering the same thing to them at funerals. Anyway, these ladies may look completely harmless in their sarees and their neat hairdos but don't be fooled... They have the power to force even Leonardo DiCaprio to get married... and to a woman of their choice!

This next guest still haunts my dreams:

The Weird Kid: Call me crazy but I have noticed that in every Indian wedding, there will always be this one weird kid in all the wedding photos... right in the middle of the bride and groom. That kid is not impressed by your arrangements, often you don't have a clue who the kid belongs to (which was bound to happen since you don’t know most of the guests) but after that day, you will never forget that kid because he is right there... in the middle of all your photos. And he might as well have held up his middle finger because that my friends, is exactly what he has done to you.

The Over-Enthusiastic Priest: The priest is technically not a guest but he is definitely the person most excited to be at the wedding. During our wedding, the rituals took place at 2 in the morning and our priest was the only person who was remarkably upbeat. He was kind of like a kid who had a sugar rush… only he had a lot to say which we were supposed to listen to.

I don't remember most of what he said but this one gem stands out. It turns out "My husband cannot buy a cow without my permission". Well, permission granted... go buy a cow, eat it for all I care. Wow, I can literally hear religious people fainting all over India. Relax guys, the cow is fine – see that’s why I do not give permission to buy a cow!

So, there you go... Now you are ready to attend your first Indian wedding and in case you're wondering which kind of guest you should be... Be an eater, always be an eater... Oh who am I kidding, most of you are going to be the token “foreigner” who completely stands out and who would be asked to repeat Hindi words while the rest of us go 'Awww'.... Well, you can thank me later for the heads up!

Thanks!