Happily Unmarried?

Who doesn't like being single... Being free to  make your own decisions, being independent and following your heart. But in India, being single is a whole new experience... sometimes good and sometimes simply exhausting.
Here are a few things a single person in India gets to experience:

• Stay away from the opposite gender: What is the most seen image of coed schools and colleges? Girls and boys sitting on separate rows in the classroom. Forget dating, girls and boys are not even encouraged to speak to each other. Though times are changing fast, ask any conservative Indian parent and they will still list the cons of letting opposite sexes get too friendly. I went to a girls only school and I still remember inter-school events where the possibility of interacting with with the opposite sex would be high and we would be expressly discouraged from talking to boys beyond the bare necessity. Oh the excitement of flouting those rules! Cut to college where a girl in my batch sat with two of her guy friends during a class and the professor made a polite but firm request to her to go back to sitting in the all-girls rows. 
• Don't dare rent an apartment in a society: The worst experience a single person in India can go through is when trying to rent an apartment especially if its in a so called "respectable" society. There are societies which actually have it as a rule that you cannot allow people of the opposite sex visiting your apartment. We had to sign a rental agreement which had this rule written and underlined in bold! Apart from the issue with the other gender, in general groups of unmarried girls or boys are frowned upon when they try to get an apartment. Many owners make it clear outright that they would only rent to families. Never mind if you don't even have a friend of the opposite sex... if you are single you are not to be trusted. Having being at the receiving end of many rejections and many scoldings also, I can vouch that this is one time when you would wish that you were married just so you can get a decent flat to live in.
• Marriage days are running out: I cannot stress on this point enough. Once your family sees that you are well-settled in your job (for boys) or reaching the age they have set as the limit for your singe life (for girls), the great tug-of-war beings. Imagine that you are struggling with one end of the rope and at the other end is your immediate family, your relatives, your neighbors and even random self-declared well-wishers (including a person who you met on the bus and who happened to inquire about your marital status). From those days when you were forbidden from interacting with the opposite sex, you are suddenly encouraged by the whole world to mate for life with one of them. There is no point of arguing too as you will soon learn that the reasons for you getting married are too many and too convoluted to defeat with logic.
• Dating at your own risk: One of the upsides of not being married is enjoying dating. Well good luck with that! From being lectured by the moral police on the sins of dating to being arrested by the actual police if you dare to be out on a date, there is no saying what you might end up with. In a country where even rapists are supposedly teaching you a lesson because you went on a movie "date" with a boy, it is indeed playing with fire and something you should do completely at your own risk. 18 is the legal age you say? Only if you committed a crime and need to be pardoned for it. As long as you are not married, you cannot and will not be allowed to venture alone with a person of the opposite sex.

Rethinking your marital status? Don't because at the end of the day being happily unmarried is as liberating as is being in a fulfilling marriage. And don't let anything convince you otherwise!

Travelogue... 2015 and seeing the world...!

The last year has been a huge change for me. Shifting from India to US, starting our first year of marriage, leaving my job... there has been so much happening in life. The year had a lot of great experiences and some not so good ones but the best part of it was all the new places I got to visit thanks to my husband Ashish. He is a reluctant traveler but I always manage to convince him for the next great adventure. So here are a few places we were lucky enough to see this year:

• Sun & Sand - So this year I moved all the way from India to the sunshine state Florida on the east coast of North America. Florida is the place of perpetual vacation with countless beaches, palm trees all around and the beautiful blue waters surrounding it. Being a person who loves the seaside, it seemed like my dream state! The place we stay, Palm Beach Gardens, is a vacation spot in itself with greenery all around and vibrant beaches just miles away.

  

  Our society... Isn't it gorgeous!

  The first half of the year was spent visiting popular tourist spots in Florida and every place we went had a charm and specialty of its own. First on the list was the party city of Miami which was bustling with life. From the lovely restaurants on the sidewalk to the crowded beaches, South Beach in Miami is always throbbing with energy. And since it was Valentines' Day, it was extra decked up!

  

  Restaurants on the street...

  
  

  

  Striking a pose for V-Day

  The next place we visited was the city of Tampa located on the west coast of Florida. It was a trip covering the gorgeous beaches and the huge amusement park Busch Gardens. We spent a day on the beautiful beaches of Sarasota and Clearwater... playing in the waves and watching the sunset. The next day was reserved for enjoying the thrilling rides of Busch Gardens and I had my fill of exciting free-falls and roller-coasters.

  

  Soaking in the sunset at Clearwater beach

  
  

  

  Our group together at Busch Gardens

  The next vacation was one with water sports and trying new activities. This time we took a trip to Keywest, the southernmost tip of Florida. We were booked with an adventure company for a day of water sports in the middle of the ocean. It was during snorkeling that I panicked (not knowing how to swim) and for a few terrifying moments, felt I would drown! After that not-so-good experience, the rest of the day turned out to be a lot of fun with Parasailing and riding a Water Jet.

  

  Parasailing was fun!

  
  

  

  Touching the southernmost point of the country

  
   
• I <3 NYC... New York City... where dreams come true! A trip to the Big Apple was something I was waiting for my whole adult life. Ever since I watched the first episode of F.R,I.E.N.D.S. and ever since Carrie Bradshaw strutted down 5th Avenue, I have been dreaming of going to New York. The trip had everything I could have asked for and the cherry on the cake was that my sister and brother-in-law came down from Canada to make this trip even more memorable. The bustling vibrancy of Times Square, the serenity of Central Park, the first time we see the Statue of Liberty, the breathtaking view from the top of Empire State Building... each moment is something I will never forget. 

  

  Times Square buzzing with life...

  

  With my family at the Statue of Liberty

• Fall Colors... After braving months of hot summer and loads of rainfall, the autumn Gods smiled upon us as we geared up for a trip to see the famous Smoky Mountains in all its grandeur. The trick to visit the Smokys is in the dates... too soon and all the colors would not be visible... too late and the colors would be fading into browns. Thankfully, we were able to catch the mountains in their full bloom and it was a masterpiece of Nature. It was like someone had painted the mountains in vibrant reds, oranges and golds. I could spend hours just soaking in the beauty of it all.

  

  Colors of fall...

  A trip to the mountains also meant some adventure sports and we all tried out Ziplining for the first time. The rush of exhilaration that you feel when zooming through the mountains is indescribable. Make sure you keep your eyes open and take in the entire panoramic view!

  

  Flying through the mountains 

   
• Anni-Vegas-sary... We rounded off 2015 in style by a short trip to the Sin City... the city that never sleeps. Since it was our first anniversary, Ashish and I decided to visit Las Vegas and Grand Canyon to celebrate our one year of memories. Vegas is a city perpetually in motion... wherever you look... everyone is having fun. Walking down the famous Vegas strip, watching the dancing fountains of Bellagio... everything in Vegas is done in style. 

  

  Varied sights on the Vegas strip

  The trip also had a one day visit to the Grand Canyon, one of the world's greatest natural wonders. In a stark contrast to the greenery of Smoky Mountains, the Grand Canyon is like raw splendor... pure and unyielding. The beauty of the Canyons is in the deep chasms, the variation of the colors on its rocky face and absence of any greenery.

  

  The beautiful Grand Canyon

  I count myself lucky that we were able to visit all these beautiful places this year. Ultimately all a traveler is left with are memories and over the last year we have made some wonderful memories. The experience of traveling and seeing new places is something that excites me more than anything else. Hope the next year brings more reasons to pack our bags and more memories to make!

  

  Collections from our travels...

Changing realities...

Growing up means seeing yourself change and seeing the people around you change. As I stand on the verge of another milestone (even though age is just a number... its still an important one), I decided to take some time to reflect on how my views on life have changed. Have I grown wiser? Maybe not always. But I have definitely grown in experiences. Here are some things which have a new twist to them:

Love: Remember how the idea of love used to be songs on the radio, coffee dates, skipping tuition classes to meet? Remember the excitement and the madness of it all? Probably the thing that has changed the most is the innocence and fearlessness. When we didn't know the rules and restrictions, we would just plunge headlong into love. Many heartbreaks and many numbing experiences later, we slowly learnt to play by the rules. As we were growing up, the idea of love was also changing. Maybe we didn't notice it at first. But slowly, love became more than butterflies in the stomach. It became stability and the idea that someone can see the worst in you and still wake up next to you everyday. It became a person who would listen to us after a bad day at work and sit on a couch and watch TV with us. Many called it the death of romance but as we grow up, love transforms. Sure there would be days when there are fireworks and roses but after all... fireworks burn out and roses wilt... what remains is love and companionship.

Family: Growing up, most of us take our family for granted. They are always around, we love them, we fight with them and sometimes we think we hate them (remember when your mom wouldn't let you go out with friends). What we don't do is treasure them. We don't do it until the day comes when we are not living with them anymore... because of various reasons like jobs in different cities (even countries), marriage, studies. It suddenly dawns on us how much we miss having them around and how we were used to having them shelter and protect us. We realize it when we come back late from office and no one is waiting with food for us. We realize it when we have to wake up early to cook even though we are tired. We realize when we are about to make big decisions and they are not there to guide us. So spend time with them and tell them how much they mean before its too late.

Friendships: The days when friendship bands and Katti were all we needed to prove our friendship is indeed in the past. Gone are the days when we could meet everyday at school or hang out together for hours. Gone are the days when we would make new friends everyday and promise to stay friends forever. Now we have to sustain friendships over the Internet. Friends move away... sometimes we lose touch no matter how hard we try to hold on and sometimes we vow to meet up but never get the time. It is definitely not easy. Sustaining a friendship takes effort and as we grow older, we realize the value of friends and more importantly, we realize which are the friendships worth sustaining. Sometimes they may be miles away, on different continents but as life gets busier, we understand the need to put more effort into the friends we want to keep. So take the time, pick up your phone and call your friends or if you are lucky enough to have them near, go out and meet them!

Loss: Just as we gain so much growing up, when we look back we see a lot that we have lost. We have lost people we loved, we have lost relationships and we have lost time. Losing people we love is the most difficult thing to accept and deal with. As we grow older, we start to understand the idea of death and loss and start to form coping mechanisms to move on. That also means we start to appreciate the people we love more. We start to let go of people who don't matter and even though it hurts us, we understand that some relationships have to be ended. It is said that you'll never be younger than what you are today. When we start to understand that, we start to appreciate the value of time and how important it is to spend it in the right way and on the right people.

The thing about growing up is that most of the time we wish we were back in the age of innocence. Well that is in the past and all we can do is live in the present and not worry too much about the future. Here's to growing up!

Caught in the World of Harry Potter...

It was an ordinary day back when I was in the eighth standard and my grandfather had gifted us with two books. We had never heard of them... they had been brought to my grandfather by his book supplier (we used to call him Book Uncle) and my first impression was something like this...

Me: This is a children's book... It says wizard and stuff... I'm too old for this!
Dadu: Book Uncle said they are very good...
Me: I think he was fooling you...
Dadu: Ok, but still give it a read...  

So finally after initially discarding them, my younger sister and I decided to read the two books. They were Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone and Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Since we did not know which one came first, we randomly chose and I ended up with The Chamber of Secrets. Little did I know that life as I knew it, was about to change forever. The rest as they say was history. After I was transported into the world of J.K. Rowling and flew through The Chamber of Secrets, I immediately started with The Philosopher's Stone. When I had read the only two available books, I just had to share it with my friends in school. So in my small way, I publicized Harry Potter among my school friends. In the ninth standard, for our school Fancy Dress competition, I dressed up three of my classmates as Harry, Ron and Hermione... it was such a cool moment for us! Over the next few years, we were treated to the rest of the Harry Potter novels and I'm glad my childhood was part of the Harry Potter magic. Of course, like all other fans, I dreamed of an alternate universe where we would be invited to join the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and was disappointed when it never happened!

The complete series of the Harry Potter books

And then Hollywood blessed us with the Harry Potter movie franchise. Though some of my friends disagreed with me and preferred to stay with their imagination of Harry Potter, I was extremely excited to see my favorite characters come alive on the big screen. Going to watch the first movie was exciting yet filled with trepidation. What if they missed the mark with the main characters? What if they story was not put across properly? The usual questions which worry fans... The first movie had me left with mixed emotions... As everyone knows, the casting was perfect but somehow the magic failed to translate. It was the third movie of the franchise Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, directed by Alfonso Cuaron which brought the magic into the movies. Finally, the movies were perfect (well obviously not as good as the books but still very good).

How the actors grew up with us :)

So after digressing a lot, I'll arrive at the point... what did I learn from the Harry Potter stories that will always stay with me?

• The hero is not always the one with the perfect physique, remarkable intelligence and amazing powers. Often he is not even a willing hero... often he is someone forced to be a hero for reasons which are bigger than him. Harry taught us that it is okay to not know everything, it is okay to be scared and it is okay to fail. What matters are the choices we make in life... to be courageous in spite of fear, to be humble in spite of being great and to accept that life goes on in spite of adversities.
• Choices in life... One of the most memorable quotes in the books is this one by Dumbledore... "It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." In fact a recurrent idea in the books is that the choices we make in life matter more than we realize... sometimes they enable us to achieve greatness and sometimes they lead us to complete failure. The entire last book is based on the choice between Hallows or Horcruxes. The book might be called The Deathly Hallows but we all know what Harry ultimately chose. It is a thought which is echoed by Sirius Black when he says that we have both good and evil in us... what matters is the part we choose to act on. 
• Never underestimate the power of knowledge... Both Professor Dumbledore and Hermione taught us importance of knowledge and the constant need to keep learning. Hermione has been mocked many times for burying her nose in books but it is evident that without her constant supply of important knowledge (history of Hogwarts, how to make Polyjuice Potion, how to escape death from Basilisks), Harry would have found it difficult to overcome many of his adversaries. 
• Friendship and loyalty... Ron is the most obvious answer when it comes to lessons on friendship... the person who stays with Harry throughout his journey often at the cost of personal safety, the one who is forever under the shadow of his best friend's fame and yet never lets it get to him. Also, the friendship between James Potter, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin which proves that people may die but friendship lives. They also showed that trusting the wrong person sometimes makes the difference between life and death.
  Of course who could forget Dobby, the most loyal friend Harry had, the one who even sacrificed his life to help Harry. Let me tell you there was not a dry eye anywhere when the little elf died...
• Laughter is the best medicine... Fred and George showed us that laughter is sometimes the best thing you can offer when things are going wrong. Throughout the books, they provide the necessary comic relief and my favorite moment is when they fly out of Hogwarts with a breath-taking fireworks show. They were the true definition of entrepreneurs. They also made us think that anything is possible if we have the nerve for it. That Fred dies laughing is one of the most heart-breaking moments but a quiet reminder that even in our worst moments, we must find things to be happy for.
• Don't be ashamed of yourself... This is in fact a quote by Hagrid which goes "I am what I am an’ I’m not ashamed. ‘Never be ashamed,’ my ol’ dad used ter say, ‘there’s some who’ll hold it against you, but they’re not worth bothern’ with." This is true for each one of us because a lot of times, we try to become someone we are not, just to make others like us. Luna Lovegood is another example that its okay to be a little weird and people might make fun of you for it but in the end what matters is the kind of person you are. The important thing is to remember your roots and be true to yourself. It might make some people dislike you but it will make the right people love you! 
• The unsung heroes... The Harry Potter books are filled with examples of how people are misunderstood and that often the person least expected will surprise us. Be it Snape who was hated throughout the books only to show that he was one of the finest men in the Potter universe or Neville who was made out to be a laughingstock but in the end destroys the last Horcrux. The lesson from this is never to judge a person too soon because who knows what their journey has been. 
• The power of love... One thing J.K. Rowling has made very clear is that there is immense power in love. In fact all the major events in her books has an underlying force of love whether it is Lily sacrificing herself for Harry which sets off the entire chain of events or Snape's unrequited love for Lily which drives all his actions or Dumbledore's love for his dead sister which haunts him throughout his life or even Voldemort's (did I just take his name!) love for power which wreaks havoc on the world. What the author tries to show is that love is the ultimate power that can work miracles and those who undermine its value often end up regretting it. 

I could go on and on about this because what the books has taught me is immense. So instead of that I would simply thank J.K. Rowling for creating this series and giving us a magical world with so much to learn. As for the ones who never read this, I hope I have made some of you want to... Happy reading! Mischief Managed...

Our wedding story revisited!

On the eve of our first marriage anniversary, I thought of the perfect way to relive our wedding day. By putting it in writing, I get to experience the entire wedding story once more and now that its in perspective... I don't even have to worry about all the things that could go wrong! Also, I never got a chance to upload any wedding photos so that is another thing I get to do now. So here is how the big day played out right from when we broke the news!

Breaking the big news: The very first obstacle to overcome was telling our parents that we wanted to get married. A love marriage and on top of it between a Garhwali and a Bengali wasn't going to be a piece of cake! While for my parents, it was more of a progression from dating to marriage... for Ashish's parents it was a great big shock as they were completely oblivious to my status as a girl friend. After being too scared to broach the subject for months, he finally decided to do it from California via the completely reliable medium of Skype. Reliable because you can disconnect the call whenever the conversation got too uncomfortable! For anyone faced with the same task, a glass or two of Johnny Walker's finest will also help. Anyway, having told them about his great achievement and having received sufficient accolades for it, we all finally agreed to have a meeting between our parents in Delhi. Point to be noted, Ashish was still safely basking in the California sun while the unenviable task of moderating this meeting fell on me.

One from our dating days in Hyderabad

Meet the parents: Finally the day arrived in the scorching month of April when armed with my father, uncle and aunt, my sister and brother-in-law I met my would be in-laws for the very first time. Lets just say I got an idea about diplomatic meetings between heads of countries.... all smiles on the surface while both parties try to put their points forth. Though there were times when the meeting almost went out of hand (which is quite common in any wedding related meeting in India), the best thing that came out of this day was our wedding date! We were getting married in approximately seven months and that was all that mattered.
P.S. Because it turns out I am really bad at moderating sticky conversations, I concentrated on the delicious paneer tikka. Yummy...

North meets East

Time flies: Even though our wedding was seven months away, it turns out that in wedding planning standard time (WPST), I was already running late! There were makeup artists to be looked at, a lehenga to be stitched, photographer to be chosen and the most important... kilos to be shed. Of course it did not help that over the span of the next seven months I traveled to around six cities (including overseas). Somehow, with a lot of help from my family, things started falling into place. I booked a makeup artist, my lehenga design was selected and was being made and my parents found a photographer who would travel to Delhi. The really crazy part was making wedding arrangements in Delhi while being in Kolkata but thankfully my uncle and aunt took it upon themselves to see this through!
The weight-loss wasn't going too well though, what with hectic work schedules and bachelorette parties. Ashish was breezing through it all, his only task was to select a sherwani a week before the wedding.

My lehenga being made...

Ghar wapsi (Homecoming): Finally, it was November and the wedding was only two weeks away. But most importantly, Ashish was coming to India and we would meet after almost a year! He had two days in Hyderabad before we went off to our respective cities and I came up with the crazy idea of a pre-wedding photoshoot. Fortunately I had a willing friend and talented photographer Saranya and together we dragged a jet-lagged Ashish to gardens and pool-sides hoping to capture some gorgeous photos. I still think Ashish was too zoned out to complain and we ended up with many memorable pictures.

One from our photo-shoot

The pre-wedding frivolities: Before the actual wedding, we Indians have a variety of rituals for every region. For us Bengalis, one of the most important ones is Aiburobhat... it is a rice-ceremony where the unmarried bride or groom is served a feast of mouth-smacking food. It is literally the last meal before marriage and it is impossible to finish!

Aiburobhat... note the awesome food

Then it was time to fly to Delhi with my family including a super-energetic trio of mom and two aunts. In Delhi, there was the much awaited Mehendi and another round of Aiburobhat (its cruel to have this much of delicious food served to you when you have to fit into a lehenga the day after). In the meantime, Ashish had finally completed his only task of choosing a sherwani after much hunting around.
And suddenly it was the night before our wedding. My friends would all be flying in the next morning and frankly, I couldn't wait! Which would be great except that a pimple was threatening to disrupt the festivities.

Mehendi hands

Rise and shine: The morning of our wedding arrived bright and clear (unlike me who had messy mehendi hands). In the meantime, one ritual had been done at around 4 A.M. which I had sleepwalked through. The next ceremony to complete was the Haldi ritual and by then some of my friends had arrived from Kolkata and it was a full house! After a round of turmeric-splashing on the terrace, it was almost lunchtime (except that I was too nervous to have lunch) and I had to start getting ready for the evening. Amidst all the chaos, I decided that the wedding hall decoration was not going well so there was a few minutes of panic and shouting before my younger sister took over the shouting part.

Haldi smeared...

Hair and makeup: One of the huge parts of getting married is the getting ready part. Everyone wants to look their best and I was no exception. I had booked a well-known artist Bobby Chopra after reading good reviews and I was all prepared to be pampered. Except that she never showed up. After being booked in July with an advance. Minutes turned into hours and all calmness descended into mad frenzy while we finally realized that any bride's worst nightmare was coming true. Our hotel room was a mess, my Didi was furious on the phone and I was ready to start crying (I even tried calling Ashish to ask him to start a bit late) until we managed to locate a beauty parlor who agreed to come and dress me up. Thankfully, they were able to get me ready before the groom arrived at the wedding hall (though it was the very last second). To this day I remember the rush to the wedding hall in excruciating detail.

Finally dressed and ready...

All is well: Finally I was at the hall and it was only a wait of few seconds before I heard the marriage party arrive amidst all the music and dancing and I was asked to go down and join Ashish on the stage. My friends were accompanying me and there were butterflies in my stomach but everything stilled when I saw Ashish on the stage. My friends tell me I literally ran to the stage but it was a moment I had only read about. All the music and noise calmed down, all the faces became a sea of glitter and flashes of camera phones and we couldn't stop smiling. In fact, we couldn't stop smiling till the wee hours of the morning!

All smiles...

Party all night: Okay, so it wasn't really a party that went on all night but it was our long wedding rituals. After posing for endless photographs and a failed attempt at having dinner, we sat down to our actual rituals which would go on all night. My friends and sisters took refuge with bottles of Sprite (okay so it was not just Sprite) while we patiently sat through the rituals. Though there are photos of me yawning, it was completely involuntary. At 6 A.M. in the morning, we were declared married (by the remarkably upbeat Panditji) and allowed to go home. The weary onlookers dragged themselves back to the hotel to catch a few hours of sleep while Ashish and I headed home for another hour or two of rituals. Phew... it would be a long day!

The main part of the wedding rituals

So that was all folks! This was all a year ago and if I haven't thanked all the people who helped/ participated in/ attended/ photographed our wedding... well this is finally when you get the thanks. Keeping all these happy memories in our heart (and in the blog), its time to move on with our lives... Thanks for reading!

Photo courtesy: Saranya Ravichander, Shreya Jain, Madhuparna Srivastava, Devarupa Sengupta Gupta and some random photographs

Experiments with the "wrong" people...

The best part of life is that it constantly changes. Which means that no matter how bad it may seem today, it will change tomorrow. Which also means that we don't know whether it will change for the better or for worse. One of the things that makes life good or bad are the people we are surrounded with. Now we might argue that our happiness does not depend on other people but being a social animal, we cannot disregard the importance of society in our lives. Sometimes we will be surrounded by people who are good to us. Of course good does not mean that they need to praise us or give us gifts or even do anything for us. Good simply means that they bring positive energy to our lives. Sometimes, and sadly this has become more common, we will be surrounded by people who only bring negativity into our lives. In every phase of life, we will encounter these people. What changes is how we deal with them. Here are some rules I have made up from experience... not because I have been particularly successful in applying them but because it feels nice to think that you are in control ;)

• The wolves in sheep's clothing: They are at the top of the list because they are the most difficult to spot and therefore the most dangerous. They will be nice to you when they need and you will end up trusting them. But the minute your back is turned, they will be the Brutus in your life and because you are not Julius Caesar, you will not even realize that you have been stabbed. So you will go about your life not realizing that the person who is the sweetest to you is actually the one doing the most harm. The only way to deal with these people is to figure them out before they know all your secrets. And if you are naive like me, you have probably told them already and now you are screwed.
• The politicians: If loyalty is a quality important to you, then these are the people you should stay away from. Their ability to switch camps will put politicians to shame. When you think you can depend on them to support you in your time of need, you will suddenly see them sharing a Watsapp group with your enemies (I couldn't find a less dramatic word for enemies... just means people you are not very fond of). So how do you deal with them? Well, loyalty is not a quality everyone deserves so the only thing you can do is to not expect it from them and reserve it for people who will reciprocate.
• The Unpleasable (yes I made up a word): I used to be the kind of idealistic person who believed that people are mostly good inside and if we don't like them, it probably means we are not looking properly. However, experiences with different kinds of people made me realize that there are some people who will not be good to you no matter what you do for them. There are some people who will always be jealous and unappreciative of you even if you think the best about them. Once you accept this, there is a simple way of dealing with them. Simply stop trying to please and go on with living your life. This was a hard lesson for me to learn because I usually just try to please people making myself miserable in the process.
• The villains: Just like Gabbar and Thakur knew they were each others' enemies (sorry for the Bollywood reference), there will be people in your life that you just don't like and who don't like you. The reasons might be varied and trying to resolve differences might not have worked but there is no point in dwelling over these people. They are always going to bring negativity into your lives and make you spend pointless hours blaming yourself. On the bright side, there is no need to pretend that you like them and that saves you the effort of trying to be nice to them. The simple way to deal with them is to remove them as far as possible from your life. No I don't mean kill them (even if you want to). Just accept that they are somewhere out there in the world and if they try to mess up your life, then its revenge time!
• The lost ones: They are the ones who used to be positive factors in our lives but for some reason no longer hold that space. These include friends we are no longer friends with, ex boyfriends and girlfriends, people we had unresolved fights with... the list goes on. Thinking about things which did not work out always brings negativity and feelings of hatred. Dealing with these kind of people are tricky because there are two ways to go. If something can be resolved, make the effort of resolving it. It is always better to save a relationship which can be saved. Second way is to let go of the relationships and people which cannot be mended. Hating is not letting go, when you let go, you accept that things did not work out and be at peace with it. Choose which way to go wisely!

I won't list any more because this piece is making me depressed as I realize that I have met at least one person belonging to each category. So yes, there are or have been some negative people in my life but there are also many many people who bring positive energy whenever I talk to them. And they are the people I try to keep close. Ending this piece on a happy note and to the folks reading this... You have been warned!

Of heartbreaks and healing...

No relationship ever comes with a warranty of happily ever after. Everyday around the world, innumerable relationships end in heartbreak for at least one of the individuals. This blog is about how to deal with those times when the world seems to be crumbling around you and everything seems pointless. The answer, even though many would disagree with me, is not always at the bottom of the vodka bottle.

• Wake up, dress up and show up: I know it sounds tough but the most important thing is to go on with life. Everyday duties of life might seem very vague and pointless when you are going through a heart break, but believe me it is going to be a lot tougher when the haze lifts and you realize that you have missed important classes in college or that you have forgotten to pay necessary bills. It is easier said than done but if there is one thing that romantic comedies have taught us, it is that great things will happen once we pull ourselves off the couch and face mundane everyday life. And also that binge-eating will get you Colin Firth and Hugh Grant only in a movie!
• Stay way from the chocolates: Unless you are a person who never puts on weight no matter what they eat (yes that sounds like the ultimate dream), stay away from all the chocolates and ice-cream tubs. The candy aisle at the supermarket might seem to be the most enticing thing ever, but instead run in the opposite direction! While eating a bag of cookies and crying along with The Notebook  might seem appealing, no one ever felt better about a heart break after putting on weight. I have been through these routines and this is just a spiral down to the depths of misery.
• "Chaar bottle Vodka"?: If only alcohol could solve life's biggest problems, Devdas would be the next genius. Instead he is a sad, lonely (and dead) man. A few drinks might momentarily ease the pain and believe me, I am all for it. Having a few drinks with your girl friends followed by hours of discussing how men are not worth all the tears does help to vent your feelings. However, the challenge is to know where to stop because you know there is a thin line between poor wronged girl and creepy stalker who can't stop drunk-dialing her ex.
• A New Me: I have heard arguments against this but personally I think it works! A new haircut, a day at the spa, some retail therapy... all these help in confidence building. You might be the same person inherently but when your self-esteem is at a low, these are small things that can make you feel a little more confident. As long as you are not doing anything drastic, there is no harm in pampering yourself a little. Also, creating a new me does not mean suddenly quitting your job or deciding that you should move. Some decisions are life changing and needs rational thought. Others like buying that dress which your ex boyfriend didn't approve of, well just go for it! 
• Eat, pray, love: Some of the best travel stories are from people who decided to take a trip alone after suffering heart breaks. So instead of whining over what went wrong, this is the best time to venture out on your own with no one to dictate you. Go on the hike you always wanted to. Take the Zumba class you had been thinking about joining but never did. See new places and meet new people. You never know when your worst time could turn into your best experience. 
• Keep you friends close: When a person is going through a heart break, one of the most important pillars of support are friends. For girls this means late night phone calls, wiping each others' tears and hours of counselling. Followed by the unanimous decision that "all men are dogs". Boys on the other hand will spend exactly a minute discussing the heart break part and then spend hours playing video games/ drinking/ watching action movies. No matter what it is, friends have the capacity to get you through your worst relationship failures so it is important to invest in friendships. Who else will remind you that "He/She was not good enough for you. You deserve so much better"? Which brings us to the last thing.
• Exes cannot be friends: Think logically, you have enough friends already. Do you really want to maintain a challenging and draining friendship with someone who has caused you heart break? Often a healing process is completely defeated because people take the wrong decision of trying to remain friends after a break up. Face it, you will never be happy to see your ex with someone else. Let some things go because if it was meant to work, you would not be needing to make this decision at all.

To sum it up, every heart break takes its own time to heal. What we can do is to speed up the process and gain a new experience from it.
As always, thanks to my friends for holding my hands through many heartbreaks and helping me emerge a better person every time.

The everyday stories of fallen angels...

It is difficult being a girl in a country where most rules are made for girls and the consequences of breaking those rules are also faced by them. Hundreds of cases of rape, molestation, sexual harassment come out every year and any logical person knows that the number being reported is only a small fraction. There are serious offences taking place every day that are not even reported because a majority in our country are taught to ignore rather than fight back. Forget incidents that can be pointed at, so much of sexual harassment happens in a public space and so frequently that sometimes we cannot even make out whether it was accidental or intentional. This blog is not a feminist rant, it is a collection of very real incidents (without going into names) that has happened in everyday lives. What happens when we ignore? Does it leave a mark? Do we keep thinking about it over years? Do we learn to build up our defenses?

Travelling by public transport during school days was a menace especially during peak hours. Cramped in a crowded, sweaty bus with people falling over you every time the driver braked, it was often a casual stroke of the hand against your back or a quick grope in the crowd where you can't even make out who did it. These stories are commonplace and I haven't come across anyone who has traveled in those over-crowded buses and has not experienced a variety of these. Most ignored these crass advances while willing their stop to come soon, some replied with sharp jabs of the elbow or a stamp of their heels. Shared autos were another evil when sitting squashed in the back seat with perverts who got their two minutes of pleasure by trying to grope you while hiding their hands behind bags. After a few bad experiences, most girls I know are now extremely careful when sitting in autos, often shouting at the passenger and making him get down if he tries to attempt anything. Sometimes you were not even spared while walking. Forget catcalls and the occasional jeering, a very common harassment was a random hand grabbing you while you walked down a busy street. Before you can react, cry out or even see who did it, the hand has vanished into the crowd. What you are left with is pain, embarrassment and years of clutching your dupatta or bag in front of you while you walked.

Then there are the more direct cases, the ones where you know it is completely intentional. The tailor who feels you up while acting like he is taking measurements. The tuition teacher who touches your body parts while claiming he was 'teaching' you biology. The doctor who lingers on your breast while checking them. Yes I know many would say that it was all imagined or that you are overthinking. But you know it was real and you were too scared or embarrassed to tell anyone. Sometimes you wondered whether it was your fault and you felt guilty about not speaking  up. So you simply switched tailors or you gave excuses to not go to the tuition. It is all in the spirit of ignoring what is going on and convincing yourself that it was somehow your fault. And even if it was not your fault, it is easier to just start going to a different tailor/ teacher/ doctor than deal with all the unpleasant confrontations.

And these are not even offences like rape where victim-blaming is so common that even the rapists know that if they somehow blamed the victim, some brain-dead people would definitely agree with them. Whether it is the question of what the victim was wearing or what she was doing with male friends... somehow the offended becomes the offender. But I digress. What I am discussing here are everyday occurrences most of which cannot even be explained, let alone be reported to the police. But do they stay with us in our minds and psyche? Yes they do. Most of the people who recounted these incidents remembered the details with utmost clarity. So why do we still insist on ignoring? Why can't we teach young children to be offended and to react when anything like this happens? The good thing is that more people are speaking up now and with the advent of social media, a lot of information and stories of how someone stood up to their offender are available. Precaution is important but so is knowing when it is not your fault and confronting the matter. Being aware of your surroundings and knowing how to protect yourself is what we should be learning and teaching others. That would be true empowerment and that is the only way things will start to change.

Durga Puja diaries... and Nostalgia!

Its that time of the year again. It is said that a Bengali always plans his/her year around Durga Puja. The first thing we check out at the beginning of the year are the festival dates and if you are staying outside Kolkata, you need to save your vacation days for Durga Puja. The worst event in a Bengali IT engineer's life is if there is a production release around Durga Puja time.... then there would be some blood and tears!
Being a Bengali, it is needless to say that the five days of Durga Puja are the most important days in my year. Over the last few years my job in Hyderabad forced me to stay away from Kolkata but I always went back every year with the same anticipation and excitement. It is a time to forget everything else, be with family and friends and just soak in the festivities. For us, it is not just about offering prayers and asking for Maa Durga's blessings, it is more than a religious activity, it is a five day extravaganza when the city is transformed into an unending celebration.
This year things are different because I am in a different continent and would not be able to make it home for the puja. As I write this blog, I realize that I would rather be experiencing the festival than sitting on my sofa and reminiscing about it. But instead of whining about what can't be, here are my thoughts of what Durga Puja has always been to me.

The idol at Sovabazar Rajbari... one of the oldest in Kolkata

• Mahalaya... Seven days before the start of Durga Puja, Mahalaya heralds the start of the journey for Durga Maa and her children. What I remember most about it is the early morning program on All India Radio called "The Annihilation of the Demon". My sisters and I would be fast asleep in bed and at about four in the morning, my dad would turn on the radio in our bedroom. We would wake up to the booming voice of Birendra Krishna Bhadra reciting Sanskrit shlokas followed by the Doordarshan program about how Maa Durga was created to annihilate Mahisasura. In that moment, in the wee hours of the morning, my heart would be filled with inexplicable joy and anticipation. Puja had begun!
• Shopping... A Bengali will always religiously shop for Durga Puja. When we were kids, it was imperative that we have two new garments for each day of Puja. We would brave the heavy crowds, the humid Kolkata weather and hours of browsing and bargaining to get the perfect clothes. It was a time to pull out all stops, follow the fashion trends of the year and generally flaunt our wardrobes. I remember when my sisters and I would make a chart for the Puja week with a list of the clothes we would wear each day! The irony now is that I have all the clothes I could possibly want but not the opportunity to wear them and enjoy the festival.

  

  Shopping frenzy at New Market

• Cultural Events... As kids, the most important aspect of Durga Puja was the performances we put up. Plays, dances, songs... we did it all! Rehearsals would start months before Puja and all of us would put in tremendous amount of hard work to ensure that the shows were memorable. The fun times, the colorful costumes and makeup and most of all the applause... these are some of my most cherished memories. Before it all became commercialized, this was a time to bond with all the kids of our society and enjoy performing on stage.

  

  Children perform at our society

• Pandal hopping... Everyone knows the most important thing about Durga Puja is pandal (the temporary fabricated structures put up for housing the goddess) hopping or the art of visiting as many pandals as you can manage. And believe me, as any Bengali will tell you, it is not an easy task! Beating the crowds, managing parking, navigating the long lines and yet keeping your makeup intact for the photos... it is truly an art. Going out with friends, we would always start with a lot of enthusiasm and finally end up gorging on Chinese food in Chinatown. The other memorable time was the all night pandal hopping which is a tradition in itself. During these five days it feels like the entire city is awake and on the streets. My younger sister would always protest because she hated being up all night and dragged through the crowds but I always looked forward to it. Well this year I will be doing virtual pandal hopping thanks to social media. What I would give to part of the festive crowd with my family this year!

  

  This is not a building... It's a pandal constructed like a zamindar house. 

• Sindur Khela and Immersion... Strictly speaking, I have not got the chance to participate in Sindur Khela yet which is when married ladies take blessings of the Gods and apply vermilion on each other. After getting married last year, this would be my first chance to take part in this ritual. But till last year, I enjoyed watching as the ladies of the society would engage in smearing vermilion on each other and bidding farewell to Maa Durga. Of course, I would also be the designated photographer for this occasion. The last bit of the festival which is etched on my mind is the immersion of the idols into the water and the hopeful cries of "Asche bocchor abar hobey" (We'll wait for you next year). There would always be a heavy feeling in my heart which signaled that the festivities were over and it was time to get back to the grind. But what remains is the hope of next year even if we do not know what the next year will bring. That is indeed the spirit and soul of Durga Pujo!

  

  Sindur khela time... My mother and elder sister with friends

  
  
   

Be strong when you are weak...

I recently came across a quote by Michelle Moschetti...
“Be strong when you are weak. Be brave when you are scared. Be humble when you are victorious.”

This quote stuck with me because of the sheer dichotomy between the two things... how can you be strong when you are weak? How can you be brave when you are scared? Is it possible to be humble when you are victorious?

Being weak is not a negative quality. It is okay to admit that you wanted that job that you did not get. It is alright to cry because a person you thought was a friend betrayed you. It is fine that you shut yourself out because you lost someone you loved and your world fell apart. All these things that test our inner strength can sometimes make us feel that we are weak and cannot handle pain. So when everything seems to be going against us, how do we stay strong?

I once heard this line... "When the world pushes you down to your knees, you are in the perfect position to pray". Here pray does not merely mean praying to God. There are people who find strength in prayer, who believe that there is a divine being who is looking after them. So in these times, they turn to God for strength and for hope. There is also another power, a power that we have within us. At the cost of sounding cliched, I have to say that we often underestimate the strength that we have. The strength in the form of parents, families, friends, our own skills, hobbies... these are things we forget when the weight of our troubles makes us feel weak. To be strong when we are at our lowest is not at all easy and there are times when it feels impossible. The important thing is to acknowledge weakness, make peace with it but never give in to it. 

The monsters under our beds are now monsters within us. These are monsters we fight every day... depression, fear of losing our loved ones, fear of failure... there are times when I feel so scared of my future that I am unable to deal with my present. So how do we be brave when we are scared?

As we learned in Harry Potter (and echoed throughout history), "the only thing to fear is fear itself". While Harry was bewildered when he heard this, what it means is that the source of fear is often out of our control but what we can control is our reaction to it. That is the only way to face our demons, accept that there will always be things outside our control and the only way to not be scared of them is to prepare ourselves to the best of our abilities and believe that "help will always come to those who deserve it".

There are times when everything is going great in life. Plans are working out, the pieces of the puzzle are falling into place and everything is great. When we are winning in life, is it possible to remain grounded? It is not wrong to praise ourselves or bask in our victories. In fact, being happy with yourself is a very important quality. But when does it transcend into empty pride and ego?

I used to write a quote on my office whiteboard... "Keep smiling, the worst is yet to come". 

While a lot of people told me, it was an unnecessarily negative quote, I had two reasons for it. One, when I was down, it reminded me that things could be a lot worse and that gave me the strength to carry on with a smile. Secondly, it would remind me to be humble and not take things for granted because tomorrow could bring difficulties and new things to learn. And if you are wondering about the other quote written across the board, "No one is free... Even the birds are chained to the sky", it is another line which I heard and it stuck in my mind. This line also helps me stay grounded and be in touch with reality.

The real attempt of this blog is to remind ourselves that there will be times when we will be down... those are the times to look for the strength that we already have and it will surprise us. And also that there will be times when pride can create disillusion... that is when a reality check will help us.

What color do you choose?

That India is a racist country is an undeniable fact. There is prejudice against dark skin color and color is associated... often unfairly... with caste, region, social strata and the list goes on. While dismissing racism as a Western evil, we participate in it everyday and in almost everything. Personally, I have faced a lot of snide remarks and insults because of my dark skin and even though I have slowly learned to accept it and take pride in it, there have been times when I have wished that I was different. There are so many wrong concepts ingrained in us that it is painful to think about and the worst part is that most people do not even realize that their obsession with fair complexion is something that should change. I wanted to point out some obvious situations which brings out this racist mentality in us so here goes:

• Idea that fair is lovely: The major problem is the idea that you are beautiful only if you are fair skinned. From matrimonial ads to commercials, everything in India will scream out to you that you should not be dark. I was in the fifth standard when I overheard some of my "friends" laughing about how dark and ugly I was. That was the first time it struck me that something was wrong in our mentality if even kids of the fifth standard mocked a person because of their complexion. If you open any random matrimonial section, everyone wants a bride who is "tall, fair and slim". Nothing else matters as long as you qualify in these three categories. I have heard people argue that the reason for this is so that their kids would also have fair skin... so let me get this straight... you are not only a biased generation, you are ensuring that the next generation is equally biased. My wedding makeup artist tried to make me "white" by putting on layers of compact powder when my sister intervened saying that we are not trying to hide anything so please wipe that right off. She didn't look too pleased, after all she was doing me a favor by trying to whiten me up!
• The caste divide: Another ridiculous thing that we Indians do is depict lower caste people as dark-skinned and upper castes as fair-skinned. Growing up, it was nothing out of the ordinary to see textbooks with pictures of pandits having lighter skin and manual laborers having dark complexion. It was not until I was older and read more about all these that I realized that the idea we have about complexion being an yardstick for measuring a person's worth is not only wrong, but extremely deep-rooted. This deep-seated prejudice has led to the idea that fair is beautiful and this continues to be propagated through movies, commercials and even school textbooks.
• The region bias: Being a land of diversity, we Indians could have embraced the rich diversity and learned from the innumerable cultures. Instead, it is alarming to observe the biased opinions that many of us hold towards the people who seem different from us. From the context of this article, one of the most common prejudice we have is when we say... "North Indians are fair skinned and South Indians are dark skinned". And then proceed to explain about Aryans and Dravidians not realizing that we are participating in stereotyping. 

Growing up in India, I have been reminded time and again about how being fair is better and how a tube of Fair and Lovely can get me a job even if I am not qualified for it! When I hear educated people say how they are eating certain things to ensure that their kids would be born with fair skin, I am afraid that we are carrying these prejudices to our next generation. Even though I have made peace with my skin color and realized that success has got nothing to do with your complexion (even though  Indian beauty ads will tell you otherwise), I wonder when we will stop shaming people because of the color they are born with?

The legendary party girls...

Having stayed with many different girls over a span of five years in Hyderabad, I have had the honor of witnessing many many girls' night outs, parties, pub outings... you get the gist. I might not have always participated but I have always observed (its a lot of fun too!)... Though I used to have an impression that most girls cannot hold their drinks, this myth was completely shattered when I met girls who could give many guys a run for their money when it came to holding their drinks! Then there were the girls who were always up for a party... every day was TGIF for them. And then the girls who turned each drinking session into a cry-fest and then to a group therapy... So now that today is a Friday and I don't have a gang of girls to party with anymore, I decided to write this piece as a tribute to all the legendary party girls I have met and partied with over the years...

1. The "today is ladies' night" girls: These girls religiously kept track of all the local clubs/ pubs/ discotheques and the schedule of the ladies' night events in them. They arranged their partying schedules accordingly and usually got away without spending a penny! When you are a regular at the pub, you got to keep it economical. I mean what can be better than free drinks!
2. The "yeah I can have one more" girls: These girls are the true rockstars who can beat any guy with their ability to drink continuously and still keep standing (or dancing). While you are barely being able to count the number of fingers being held up, they are just sitting there coolly, ordering the next drink. The best thing about them? They are the safest drinking buddies and will always get you home (in my case safely into bed).
3. The "what am I doing with my life" girls: There will always be one girl in every group who will start crying after one or two drinks. They'll suddenly be reminded about all the travesties in their lives and then the waterworks will start! And since all the others are equally wasted, it will soon turn into a hilarious therapy session. By the way, these are also the people who will end up calling their exes.
4. The "I'm always angry" girls: I have seen the most docile girls turn into complete Hulks when they have been drinking. Expect angry texts, throwing of objects and incredibly angry monologues (complete with the choicest curse words)... woe betide if she has some hidden anger for you! If she has been drinking, you are going to hear it.
5. The "I love you" girls: This is actually a very common phenomenon among both the sexes. Drinking lowers your defenses so it makes you feel warm and loving towards people... including people you would not even talk to sober. If you are slightly less drunk than them, you can hear heartfelt apologies, deep secrets and everything that they would end up regretting the next morning. 
6. The "selfies in the bathroom" girls: These are the girls who go to clubs mostly to update their Facebook feed. And as the bathrooms are the only places without the swirling lights, they are very popular as a backdrop for those selfies. And if you have been drinking for some time, you will "appear" very hot and sexy in the mirror... Don't trust it, its just an illusion and you will know how drunk you actually look when you see the photos the next day.
7. The "today was a bad (or good) day so let's have a drink" girls: These girls can have a booze party under any pretext. It could be Sunday night or Wednesday evening, if they want it they will think of an excuse for it. And they will search with all their energy for open "thekas" even if its a dry day. Do not mention "let's wait till the weekend" to them... every day is Friday as far as they are concerned!

It is always fun to go drinking and dancing with girls or even have quiet (though its usually loud) house parties with them. So enjoy it while it lasts!

The Art of Gossiping.. shhh!

So this blog is about "Gossiping" and no... I will not be spreading any! Being a woman, I am aware that the art (or crime) of gossiping is often attributed to women and that is complete nonsense. Women gossip, so do men... In fact anyone who claims they have never spoken about another person behind their back is basically lying. As for me, I have been (and continue to be) both at the beginning and at the receiving end of gossip. Am I the most discreet person? Of course not! My friends would tell you how many secrets I have given away! But like anything, this game also has rules which when broken, leads to mayhem.

The beginning of this vicious (and entertaining) cycle of gossiping began in my school days. I studied in an all-girls school and experienced first-hand the power of gossip. From remarkable stories concocted over lunch breaks to harmless tit-bits of information shared during class... from scandalous rumors spread in whispers to mean lies made up by jealous rivals... we gossiped about everything in our lives. Girls would spend hours huddled in groups discussing whether "did she really skip school to meet her boyfriend?" or the more innocent "is she really taking tutions from that teacher? No wonder her marks are high!"... gossip could be anything!
So this brings us to the first rule of gossip... "If you are gossiping in multiple groups, make sure you are not sharing gossip from one group to the other". I have to say I flouted this rule many times but I have awesome friends (and the information was fairly minor) and did not face any serious consequence!

The next phase of my life saw me in a girls' hostel where gossiping was not only confined to classroom hours but stretched into the wee hours of the morning. Also, it had become meaner and more scandalous and the innocence was going out of it. I also realized that men were equally interested in gossip and contributed to it... they were just discreet about it where we ladies were too open! Now I am a firm believer that when you gossip about someone... be prepared that someone somewhere is gossiping about you. Over the years I had heard some pretty interesting (though untrue) stuff about myself which is only fair. But where do you draw the line?
That is the next rule... "You cannot gossip about members of your circle to others outside it". Meaning, that you should have a few friends about whom you never ever gossip because then it just gets messy. I learnt this lesson the hard way when a close friend gossiped about me to random people in the college to the extent that strangers knew detailed descriptions of my private life.

Next came the workplace. Now gossiping meant office politics and wrong rumors could mean hampering a person's career. You may think this is stretching it a bit far but then, even managers are humans who sometimes judge you solely based on what they hear about you. Office gossip can be extremely harmful and I mostly tried to stay out of it. But there were times when I succumbed to it and honestly speaking I still don't know whether it lead to any harm!
However, this leads to the third rule... "Choose who you gossip with very wisely". This is applicable in every phase of life but while rumors of your drinking habits made you popular in college, it certainly would not win you points with your boss!

So now I am in a new phase of life... the housewife phase. What I realized very soon is that ladies left to their own devices all day is a dangerous starting point of gossip. The first few months all I heard was gossip... about people I was meeting for the first time, people I had not even met, people who did not even know of my existence... phew! It was tiring and slowly I realized that all the fun I had derived out of gossiping was not there any more. This happened when I heard something derogatory about a lady (without meeting her) and believed it only to understand later that it wasn't even true.
This makes me think of the golden rule of gossip... "Not all gossip is true" and also a quote I heard "Gossip needn't be false to be evil - there's a lot of truth that shouldn't be passed around".

Of course there will still be times when I gossip but after all the experiences, I will be wiser about it. And learn to follow the rules more!

Why do people cheat in relationships?

This blog takes a look at why people feel the need to cheat when they are in relationships... purely from my perspective and observations.
Cheating is one of the many reasons why relationships fail and in today's world of innumerable options and instant gratification, it has become too common. It could be anything... sex outside the relationship, romantic involvement with a third person... anything that points to the fact that the relationship is not okay. A lot of times people who are in apparently loving relationships also feel the need to cheat. When I think about these things and observe relationships around me, I really want to know what motivates us to cheat and is it worth giving up entire relationships for this?

1. Physical Need... The most commonly given excuse for cheating is this one. A lot of people argue that they are not sexually satisfied with the person they are in a relationship with. Even though the relationship might be emotionally satisfying, they feel like having "just sex" with a third person (or persons). They justify this by saying that it is only about a physical need or that it only happened one time or that they were drunk and did not know what they were doing and that there is no emotional involvement.
   My take: It is never just about sex, especially for the person being cheated on. It can make the person lose all self worth and destroy the trust in a relationship.
2. Options, Options and Options... I feel the greatest curse of our generation is that we have been blessed with unlimited options. Which has led to the problem that most of us can't pick one option and stick to it because choosing one thing means letting go of others. This is the excuse used by people who feel that committing to one person means losing out on many other options. For them monogamy is like a life sentence and it scares them. They justify the act of cheating by saying that they are afraid of commitment.
   My take: Personally I do not have a problem if someone is not willing to be monogamous as long as he/she is clear about it. There are many people who are okay with being in open relationships which ensures that no one is getting hurt.
3. Boost self esteem... This is a reason which I have mostly heard from women. They justify their act of cheating by the argument that a third person has often made them feel more desirable and given them a sense of higher self worth than the person they were involved with. While it is easy to wave this away as an excuse, sometimes a low self-esteem does make a person indulge in morally wrong actions.
   My take: Though it may seem like a boon in the short term, cheating will never make you feel like a better person in the long run. Self worth comes from a deeper place and if your partner is making you feel worthless, maybe it is time to let go of the relationship.
4. Just avoid the stress... Some cheat just to forget and avoid the problems and the stress in their own relationships. There are a lot of people who say that they like to forget the worries and the tension in their lives by seeking fulfillment outside. It is like the proverbial pigeon who buried his head in the earth thinking if he couldn't see the cat, the cat would also not be able to see him.
   My take: Well I cannot imagine what is more stressful than cheating but that's just me! On a serious note, if your relationship is stressing you out and you can see the problems, communicating with your partner would be the right thing to do. 
5. Because they can... Some people cheat simply because they can! They usually have the opportunity and they think they can get away with it. It is a power play in their mind which makes them feel good about themselves and they have no qualms about what they are doing. Needless to say there is no excuse for these people and yes, sadly they do exist in large numbers!
   My take: Cheating in a relationship is disrespecting it and humiliating the other person involved in it. Maybe people get away with it, but it is never a sign of a healthy relationship.

In conclusion, infidelity is a harsh reality and it almost always destroys a relationship. Some accept their mistakes and mend their ways and some make it their lifestyle. Whatever the reason maybe, cheating should never be an excuse and if you feel the need to cheat, something is definitely missing or wrong in your relationship. Since the cornerstone of a healthy relationship is trust, to break that trust is probably the worst way you can treat your partner.