Women's Day special... what we really asked for....

This year, like all other years, Women's Day meant that social media was cluttered with platitudes about women almost all of which proclaimed that women were no less than "goddesses", "angels", "super humans"... Well you get the gist! Contrary to making me feel proud, it made me feel extremely uneasy. I mean, just think of the huge expectations that you have just dumped on an unsuspecting woman, something that she is now obliged to live up to whether she wants to or not! Did she ask to be hailed as an angel? Did she ask to be worshiped? Did she ask to be known as a superhero? But did you stop to ask what she wanted or needed? No, you assumed that she would be grateful to see so many messages and forwards telling her she was perfect.

If only you would have asked her what she wants. Maybe she would have said that she did not want to choose between her family and her career. Maybe she would have asked not to be called a "slut" because she chose to have sex before marriage. Or maybe she would have wanted not to be treated only as a baby-producing machine because she is much more than that. Maybe she would have told you not to assume that she was using her looks to get that promotion in office. Or that just because she chose to be a homemaker, did not mean that she was good for nothing else. Or that she wanted equal pay for equal work irrespective of her gender. Or maybe that her parents not be asked to pay huge dowries for her in the name of "tradition". Maybe she would have asked you to stop repeating cliches like "women can't drive", "only women gossip", "a woman's place is at home". Maybe asked you not to intersperse her name with expletives and abuses. Who knows, she might have asked you for the gifts of respect, equality and safety instead of those chocolates, expensive jewelry and spa treatments you offered. Yes, safety and respect... maybe she would have asked for a day where she can wear what she likes and do what she likes without you judging her, mocking her, touching her, assaulting her...

Well now that you are done with the blatant show of love and respect for this Women's Day, maybe think about what you could actually do for the women in your life. Make the effort to demonstrate respect, love and equality. And if you can't do anything, just let her be. She doesn't need you to treat her like a God... she needs you to treat her as an equal because whether you like it or not, that's what she is!

Perfectly summed up my feelings!

Crushes... And all that we grew out of!

One of the most fun things about being young is getting crushes on random people. Its entertaining, seldom serious and mostly leaves behind memories that will make you smile years later (unless it becomes serious and leaves you heart-broken). Crushes are short, sweet and strong... And meant to be kept that way! Over the years my friends and I have had crushes on many people (some more than the others) and done some pretty crazy stuff (which we thought was extremely cool behavior at that time).

• The 'stalking'... This one is high up in the list. What do you do when you have a crush on someone but you just don't know enough about them? You start stalking. Nowadays we really don't have to try too hard because people voluntarily proclaim on social media what they are doing/ where they are going/ who they are with but those were the days when social media was not was not very popular and stalking was still done the old-fashioned way. Hanging around after coaching classes to see who he interacts with, where he goes. Using the ever dependent network of friends to find out more details (exactly the idea behind social networking).
  
• The 'prank calls'... Ever tried calling people, saying random things and then hanging up? That was a major activity whenever we would hang out with friends. Years before the mobile phone ended all anonymity, we had those traditional landlines (hopefully without caller IDs) where we could call and pose as talk show hosts complete with fake song requests, people claiming to count household population, one-sided lover begging for a date... the variety we had was nothing short of amazing! Of course there were also the revenge prank calls for those we didn't like *wink wink*...
  
• The 'dedication'... In those days the seriousness with which we had crushes is something I have not even shown  for my studies. Even a crush on a celebrity was something to be respected, defended and if required fought for. Oh the hours we spent fighting among ourselves to decide whose favorite cricketer/ actor/ singer was the ultimate. Then there was collecting posters, memorabilia, newspaper articles, random junk... the idea being that the most dedicated one would put in the most effort. It was finally after I moved out of the city for my job that my mother was allowed to remove all my Hrithik Roshan posters!
  
• The 'anonymity'... The best crush situation was when the person you had a crush on did not know about it (maybe did not even know who you were). Then you could basically do everything and not worry about being humiliated. You could send in anonymous song requests on the radio and not worry about getting found out. You could write endless poems and letters which would be stored away between pages of your diary (if I read them now I would probably be rolling on the floor laughing). And yes, the staring in class (or wherever you see them), observing them and their every expression, the smile that lit up their face... those were such simple joys of life.
  
• The 'heartbreaks'... Of course nothing completes the cycle without the heartbreak. Seeing someone... crushing on them... doing the above things... finding out its not going to happen (mostly because you didn't actually try)... mope around and listen to sad songs... go out and see someone else... and the cycle continues! I was so upset when Rahul Dravid got married that I refused to get out of bed (of course that one still hurts). Those were the heartbreaks that inspired poetry and stories in us. Now all it does is make us wonder is it all worth it?

No, this one doesn't have a lesson in it. We may have grown out of those silly actions but every once in a while, it brings a smile to remember those days. Yup, made me smile to remember :)

The tales of long distance relationships...

Yesterday, my flatmates and I were discussing the effects long distance has on relationships. In a world where normal relationships are difficult enough to sustain, throw the troubles of long distance into the mix and you have to ask yourself... is the relationship worth it? Having been in different long distance relationships over the years... only one of which worked out (thankfully), I often end up giving advice on this subject whether to my friends or to strangers on Quora.
So really, what is a long distance relationship worth? What are the two sides of it? What are the chances of it working out?

As usual, lets start with the NEGATIVES first (just because I want to leave something good at the end)

• Lack of trust: Trust is the most important thing which is the basis of any healthy relationship but certainly plays an even bigger role when distance threatens that trust. In a long distance relationship there is no way you can know what the other person is up to all the time (nor is it the healthy thing to do). Trust that the other person is not cheating/ lying and don't do it yourself.
  If you are trying this with the wrong person (or the wrong circumstances), somewhere the trust will be broken and you will know that it is not worth it anymore.
• Lack of communication: A long distance relationship requires a lot of patience, understanding and communication which sadly a lot of people don't have. Even if you are on different sides of the world, there are so many ways to communicate. Make sure you do it on a regular basis. Don't do it just for the sake of it, do it because you are genuinely interested. Also, there will be days when one of you is just too busy... Take out a few moments to talk...
  Communication is a great indicator of whether the person is worth all the time and trouble. If all the messages/calls are from your end only, it is time to rethink the relationship.
• Missing the physical presence: When my boyfriend moved to US, I felt that the life had gone out of the city where we spent many years together. Everywhere I went reminded my of little things we had done together... catching a movie, eating out at our favorite restaurant... There will be times when you just need the presence of the person in front of you... to hold, to touch... but he could be miles away and there is nothing much you can do about it.
  P.S. This does not mean touching someone else. I know many of us blame distance for our indiscretions but maybe its an indication of changing needs.
• Lost in translation: One of the most difficult things in a long distance is managing during fights and arguments. Imagine being on opposite sides of the world. When one of you is waking up, the other is about to go to bed. Now imagine an argument during that time... when you want to finish the argument before going to bed and your partner wants to avoid it because his/her day is just starting and no one wants to fight at the beginning of the day. All these things lead to the buildup of tension and leads to the argument becoming worse than it actually was.
  Don't let the argument become bigger than the relationship... resolve it before it blows out of proportion. 
• Out of sight... Out of mind: There is a saying "out of sight... out of mind" (by some genius) and unfortunately it does come true in lot of cases. I have come across so many stories where people have moved apart because the distance just became too much to handle. Many times, people get closer to someone who is in the near vicinity simply because it is more convenient. These are not excuses, but a harsh reality. Since their partner is far away and it seems that they are missing out on important moments of life, people find someone else who is closer and seems to be there to spend time with.
  I know from experience that long distance relationships might start to seem like a waste of time but with the right person, all the waiting and the hours of talking on the phone will be worth it.
  
  

And now finally, we come to the POSITIVES of a long distance relationship (yes there are some good sides of it)

• A worthy relationship: A long distance relationship will prove to you whether it is worth your time and effort. It will survive the distance and time and emerge stronger than ever. It is easy to be committed to a person who is in front of  you and ready to spend time to you whenever you want but it is whole another experience to keep that love and commitment intact when all you get is a Skype call before one of you has to go to sleep.
  What I have learnt is that if your relationship can survive long distance, it can survive a lot! 
• Listen and not just hear: You learn to listen and understand each other better when you don't have the advantage of seeing the person face-to-face. A lot of times we are so involved in the activity we are doing together, we don't really listen to each other. But when all the other distractions are gone and all you have are words to bridge that distance, those words become more meaningful than ever. You learn to pay attention to what the other person is saying because it forms a big part of how you can experience each others worlds without being in front of each other.
• Absence makes the heart grow fonder: You start to remember the good times rather than the bad. As human beings, we always try to remember good memories instead of bad ones. When you are away from a person, you'll recall their good qualities and the great times you spent together. You'll miss them and want to be with them. This is a very good thing... use the opportunity to remind your partner how much they are being missed. It will remind them of the good memories and keep the romance alive. If possible, plan trips to see each other and refuel the relationship.
• Grow as a person: When two people are always physically together, they might not have time for themselves as individuals. Instead of seeing the long distance as a negative, see it as an opportunity to spend on yourself and your hobbies and interests. Spend it on allowing yourself to grow and mature as a person. Often we get so lost in another person, we forget our individuality because we are too busy being a couple. Instead of that, spend time with your friends, get a new talent and the next time you meet your partner... you can show it off! Growing as a person you will also deal with your relationship and it will give you more insight on whether the relationship is real.
• Finally, the meeting: I'll leave the best for the last.. when you meet after time apart, its the best feeling in the world! Seriously, after months (sometimes years) of only talking over phone/ internet it is an incredible feeling to meet the person you love. The very moment you see him coming out of the airport gates and its all you can do to stop yourself from running into his arms... nothing can beat that feeling. And knowing that your love has survived a lot, that just makes everything more special.

Its difficult to be in a long distance relationship and I would not advise it if you have other options but sometimes life does not give you a choice. So if you are faced with the distance, don't let the situation overwhelm you. Let it be a test which might just make your relationship stronger than it is. And believe that one day... not too far away... the person you love will be in your arms!

I can so relate to this!

When the going gets tough...

When life springs surprises, there is no saying what you'll end up with. It could be good surprise or a nasty one. It may take you to cloud nine or bring you down to your knees. But one thing is certain... when the going gets tough, the tough get going! Before you start wondering what this is all about, let me give you the complete backstory.

About a year ago, when I left my homeland and came to the United States, I was a dependent on my husband. I was one of the countless Indian women who come to the States with their spouse and who cannot be employed here because they don't have a work visa. For someone who had started working straight out of college and never imagined a day when she would be unemployed, it was a life-altering situation. Suddenly the routine that had dictated my life... waking up, getting ready, commuting to office, dealing with the work for the day, coming back home after good and bad days at office and reacting accordingly... was not there anymore. The first few weeks were like an extended vacation... the first one in 5 years and I enjoyed them thoroughly with my husband. Having just got married, it was a honeymoon period in a perfect location. And then that period started feeling stale. As far as I could see, endless free days stretched ahead. But far from feeling free, what I was feeling was scared and listless. The days started getting longer and there seemed to be an emptiness within me which no amount of Game of Thrones or reruns of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. could fill. I'm sure its a familiar feeling felt by many people who have had to give up working for various reasons. Even if the reasons are strong, it sometimes feels frivolous. But this piece is about how to be stronger than your worries. So instead of whiling away days, I started looking for ways to fill them meaningfully. I rediscovered sketching... something I had not touched for years. I met people who encouraged me to create crafts and learn new things like crochet. I joined the local library and read to my heart's content. I restarted my old blog and sharing pieces with my friends... something that I had missed doing for years. Instead of viewing cooking as an arduous task, I started experimenting with new recipes and different kinds of items (often with disastrous results). Swimming is another thing that I tried to learn during this time. I even started self-learning to play the piano app on my iPhone by looking up notes on the internet. There were times when I felt lonely and depressed... when people who I considered friends turned against me. I tried to focus myself by joining Yoga classes. The point is, I realized that I had been gifted valuable time to broaden my horizons instead of whining about what I couldn't have. Once I realized this, there was no looking back.

Wearing crochet hats that I made...

And then came another change in my life... my work permit was approved and I got a job... something I had been desperately waiting for. Suddenly my life was turned upside down because the job I got was in a different state far away from Florida. Within a week I was supposed to uproot my life, leave my husband back home and move to Connecticut. As if the pain of separation was not enough, I would be leaving the sunshine state and moving to a snow-covered one to live with complete strangers. For a person who does't even drive, it was a terrifying feeling. It was almost so surreal that even while I was packing, I was having a hard time believing it. Looking around the apartment that we had made our first home after marriage, I broke down many times. The thought of not waking up next to my husband everyday was so scary that it made me want not to go. But every time I felt weak, I reminded myself that I had desperately been wanting to work and had finally been given the chance. A chance that not everyone gets. So when the day came when I had to wave goodbye to my husband as he left for Florida, I was determined to face each day with a smile and count my blessings that I had been given the chance to work and continue my career. So I moved into an apartment with three other girls and started a new phase of life. So far I have experienced a snow shower, managed to get lost on the way to the train-station and missing my husband like crazy. There will be days when I will wish things were different, but its still a chance I would take.

First day outside my office...

What scares us most is changing what is familiar. When faced with an unfamiliar territory, it is difficult to let go of what makes us comfortable and go down a new path. If only we can let go of the fear of the unknown, there could be great things waiting for us. So yes, the going does get tough sometimes but those are the times when the tough have to get going!

In pursuit of Happiness...

One of the most significant aspects of our lives is the pursuit of what we think is happiness. We need happiness to survive like we need oxygen. But the problem is that we have forgotten to recognize what is true happiness. So even though we are seeking... seeking with all our energy and all our life... we are unable to find that transient thing that will make us happy. And even if we do find it for a moment, we are so afraid of it being snatched away that we don't even celebrate that happiness. In the end, we realize that nothing has made us profoundly happy. On a particularly depressing day, while having Chinese takeaway for dinner, I came across this line in a fortune cookie:

This struck a chord with me... so are we ultimately responsible for our own happiness? So many times when I have been angry or upset, I have ended up blaming others and blaming situations. Maybe it was time to retrospect about what I was doing wrong...

• Not enjoying happiness... The biggest mistake we do is not enjoying small moments of joy because we are too worried about what will happen in the future. If only we could accept that every moment... whether happy or sad... will pass, we could have stopped and cherished that time when we had an awesome ice-cream or the time when the dress we loved fitted us perfectly. Instead what we are doing is rushing in our minds... worrying about whether the ice-cream will lead to sore throat or the dress we bought will add to the bills. The best example is to look at a small baby... how rolling over and falling down makes him giggle with uncontrolled happiness. Sure, as adults we have huge responsibilities but would it not bring us happiness to just pause life and enjoy the moment we are in? Life is worrying, there are many things to think about... but when we only worry about the big things and don't enjoy the present, we are losing out on the essence of life.
• Chasing others' happiness... How many times have you felt sad when you looked at what someone else had and what you had paled in comparison? Many a times we go through life pursuing someone else's idea of happiness. We want a car because our neighbor has one, we need a house because our friend has one... how many decisions do we make because we covet what another person has? If only we paused and thought about what would really make us happy... we would find far lesser things to worry about. The truth is we don't know someone else's story or what they are going through... we only want the god things that they choose to portray to us. If we only knew about their hardships, we would not choose to seek what they have. The idea behind the line "Keeping  up with the Joneses" is exactly that... measuring your own needs and happiness by someone else's scales. Stop doing that and half your troubles would be over.
• Outsourcing happiness... Coming back to my fortune cookie and the profound lesson it was trying to convey that night... Create your own happiness! If you decide that you are going to be a happy person, you'll ultimately come up with ways to achieve that. If you decide that you're going to be unhappy, even winning a billion dollar lottery will not help (you might be a sad, rich person). This is because people are inherently conditioned to be a certain way and even though adversities or good fortunes may come their way, they will ultimately be what they want to be. So the question to ask yourself is... Do you want to be happy? If your answer is yes, then believe me, you'll go to any length to find that happiness. Otherwise, you'll always find ways to blame your environment for your misery. 

If you have made it to the end without getting tired of the philosophy... Then remember today is a great day to start being happy! 

Loss and being happy... (a poem)

There's a sadness in the winds today...
As if mourning the loss of someone dear...
And the sun refuses to shine bright...
Hides in the grey clouds... cries in fear...

I can't hear the birds... They have ceased to sing...
There is an unsettling sorrow in the air ...
A journey which has forgotten the end...
And a weary traveler seeks in despair...

Loss of childhood... loss of love...
Oh what have we gained instead...?
So much to have done... so much still left...
And the road's just getting lonely ahead...

When the magic has gone out from the world...
And so many goodbyes were yet to be said...
What is it that you'll remember forever..?
What is it that will make you afraid?

The wise man said live today...
For tomorrow is an illusion sure...
But we still spend a life in search of it...
And a life of not living we silently endure...

And oh if only you had learnt...
That life is a strange game we have to play...
Make every move... Take every chance...
'Coz today will soon be yesterday...

So cheer up and love and live this moment...
Until the sun sets on your days...
And if you're asked if you lived without regrets...
Your answer would be forever... 'Always'...

This poem is dedicated to Alan Rickman who brought to life one of my favorite characters... Professor Snape... The world indeed seems emptier today...

Kitchen tales... And a reluctant cook

What happens when a really bad cook has to start cooking on a daily basis? Chaos, some disastrous attempts and a whole lot of learning. When I was staying with room-mates in Hyderabad, I used to barely get by with some amateurish cooking until we finally gave up and hired a cook to save ourselves. Cut to February 2015... away from India (and along with any prospects of professional cooking help) and faced with having to provide meals at least two times a day not only for myself but also for another hapless soul. What followed was often badly cooked meals, rotis that were more like papads and salt that was sadly missing. Thankfully there were a lot of experienced (not to mention helpful) cooks among my friends here who gave me culinary lessons for which I would be ever grateful. Coupled with ever-dependent Google and the many many cooking blogs, I was finally able to better myself and come up with some dishes that I could be proud of. Luckily, Ashish never complains even if something is not cooked well and the best part is that he is willing to taste all my experiments! So this blog is not about recipes and self-praise, it is merely a collection of some of the dishes that have become favorites over the last year and some stories behind them.

Please forgive the photos... they were not taken with the purpose of being in a blog!

• Peas kochuri... This one is a favorite from my childhood and brings with it memories of home, my Mom and those times when food would magically appear on the table. It reminds me of rainy days which would get brightened up by a plateful of these "kochuris" accompanied by "cholar dal" and "adda". One day while I was feeling particularly homesick and reminiscing about those deliciously crunchy "kochuris" filled with a stuffing of green peas, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Since it was nighttime in India, I could not get my mom on the phone to tell me the recipe so I had to depend on the internet to find a recipe which I would be able to manage. My first attempt wasn't perfect but boy was I excited! The cherry on the cake was definitely the fact that Ashish, who was tasting this dish for the first time, absolutely loved it. Now he often makes special requests for it!
  If you want a go at it yourself, you can check it out here.

  

  Peas Kochuri...

• Kosha mangsho (Mutton curry)... For Bengalis who love mutton (goat meat), this is a hot favorite preparation of goat meat cooked in onion-ginger-garlic gravy with tomatoes, yogurt and spices cooked in mustard oil. It is understandably extremely rich and very possibly would send you into a meat-coma. Our favorite time of enjoying it is as a Saturday afternoon meal served with plain Basmati rice after which it is almost impossible to remain awake. In another of my childhood food memories, a version of this rich mutton curry used to be prepared in huge quantities on the day after Kali Puja as an offering and its delectable taste still lingers in my mouth. On that occasion, we would eat it with delicious sweet pulao and we would wait year-long just for this amazing dish. This curry is definitely not for those watching their weight... the taste of this dish also lies in the dripping golden mustard oil which is imperative to its taste.
  For those who would love a rich, spicy mutton curry, here is your recipe.

  

  Mutton Curry with Jeera Rice

• Shrimp fajitas... This one is from my adult life, more specifically from Ashish and my dates in Hyderabad at Chilis' where we would have these delicious sizzling shrimp fajitas. Now I have always been a fan of Mexican food because it is spicy and also because it it served with tasty guacamole and salsa! Florida with its amazing seafood and Mexican options is also a great place to try out fajitas. We had some nice ones at "Two Drunken Goats", a small restaurant by the lovely Riviera Beach. So finally I decided to try it out at home complete with the sides of guacamole and salsa and it has quickly become a favorite. Its also a great option which can be cooked fast and is not too heavy so I run to it when I'm too tired to cook an elaborate meal. Pair it with some chilled beer or a glass of wine and a lovely evening is guaranteed.
  Try this out if you are in a mood for some tasty Mexican.

  

  Fajitas with Guacamole & Salsa

• Pomfret curry... Every Bengali worth his salt is attached to his daily dose of fishes. In fact, fish is the main thing I was missing from home till I discovered the nearby market where I could get fresh fish. You might wonder why I chose Pomfret (known here as Pompano) over more authentic Bengali fishes. This is because Pomfret is the first fish I bought from that fish market and more importantly because Ashish, who has never liked eating fish, has actually started loving this! The way I enjoy making this is in a light tomato curry which does not overpower the taste of the fish. Also, it is delightful to see your non-Bengali husband struggle with fish-bones. I still help him out by separating the fish from its bones but now he is starting to enjoy chewing the bones and even asks for the head of the fish :)
  You can have a go at this simple but tasty dish here.

  

  Pomfret in light tomato gravy

• Cakes... From mains to dessert, we have indeed come a long way! Now I have an incredibly incurable sweet tooth and I love cakes and pastries. Though I had made cakes back in India, I mostly had help with them. The first few times I made cakes here, they did not turn out as well as expected (though I still licked the dish clean). I specifically mention cakes here because that is one thing I have practiced many many times during the last year and have finally got the measurements correct! The first cake I made was a marble cake for Ashish's birthday and it wasn't a very good result though I managed to salvage it a bit with some chocolate frosting. Thankfully I have gotten better over the last few times.
  For the marble cake, here is the recipe I use.

  

  First attempt at marble cake...

  My most recent attempt was a New Years' cake which I made using cake mix (yes I cheated) and it was delicious!

  

  Red Velvet cake for New Year...

  
  So here was my stories of some simple but tasty dishes I attempted over the last year. It was not professional cooking by any standards but in my book what makes a dish tasty are the memories attached to it. The taste of the food might fade over time but those memories and silly stories last forever.