Goals and failures... and looking ahead...

Sometimes I think about goals...And how to achieve them. I am the kind of person who prefers to have short-term goals rather than long-term ones... I admire people who have the ability to clearly visualize what they want in life but I am not one of those people. If I am asked what I want to do in life... I am always thrown for a loop. I suppose what I want is to have a happy and fulfilling life but that just sounds so random. There is no guarantee that life will be happy... and of course there would be times when life would be a disaster so that goal just sounds fake and implausible. As for fulfilling... I guess that makes sense for people who have figured out exactly what makes them tick. As for me... here I am standing on the edge of 30 and I'm not certain what would make my life fulfilling.

Its strange because as a kid if somebody asked what I wanted to do in life... my instant response would be "I want to be a teacher". Of course the "teacher" would be interchangeable with many other professions depending on my current obsession. I guess that is what led to all the confusion and I ended up doing exactly what the majority of students in  India do... engineering. It helped that I was very interested in Computer Science and also that I am a master of short-term goals (a little exaggeration never hurts!). At that time my goal was to do well in class and I succeeded in it. But when it came to a long term vision for my life, I was still undecided. When companies came to interview at our college placement, my immediate goal was to get a job. I followed the flock to an IT company and again, concentrated on short term tasks without a clue about where I was going with this. When my work became monotonous, I again set myself the goal of getting a new job. It was tough but I managed to do it, concentrating on immediate gains and not what would be a defined life goal. Life continued until I quit that job and was faced with an uncertain future. For the first time, I had to decide whether I wanted to continue my career or take a break. Well... the word "decide" is open to debate... I left it to fate and hoped for the best! Finally, I started working again... and even though my goals are still very short-term, I am beginning to get a clearer idea of what I would want to do some years down the line. Maybe that short break, scary as it was, opened me up to other options apart from the one I had always pursued. Maybe I am finally growing up?

Relationship goals are even tougher to pursue. I love easily and frequently and it has led me down the road to heartbreak many times in the past. Not just in romantic relationships, I have had the same experience in all my relationships. Of course, I have also hit the jackpot many times! Since I am reflecting on goals, I don't know what personal goals are set by people who seem to have amazing relationships in their life. As a fairly introverted person, I find it difficult to express feelings even if they are present in me. Somewhere that inability to express gets misconstrued as aloofness, rudeness and leads to misunderstandings. I doubt if my goal has ever been to hurt people intentionally but because I often miss the bigger picture, I'm sure it has happened a few times. But the thing I can say with absolute certainty is this - if I have been faced with a choice between relationships and anything else, I have always chosen relationships. Sometimes with disastrous results, sometimes as a blessing in disguise. In the process of acknowledging my failure at setting long-term personal goals, I am striving to identify things I have been doing wrong, actions that could be misunderstood. Growing up makes us more open to criticism and being able to look at mistakes without romanticizing them.

Of course, I will still continue to set my short-term goals and work towards fulfilling them but the one thing I would do differently is keep my mind open for what I want in the long run. It may or may not be a successful exercise, but that is something we'll just have to wait and see!

'Holi' Spirit... Festival Tales!

Last weekend I went for a Holi festival in Massachusetts with my friends. Yes, I traveled to a different state just so I could play with colors and celebrate with people I just met! Why you ask? Because it had been five years since I last celebrated Holi. Because it is one of my favorite festivals and one which I look forward to every year (it would be second on my list after Durga Puja). Because I love the colors, the music, the feeling of letting go (and no, I'm not referring to the Bhaang high) - it just seems like such a happy celebration to me.

Before telling you about my trip, here is a little background about the festival of Holi also known as the Festival of Colors. Holi derives its name from Holika, the evil sister of the demon king Hiranyakashipu. The legend goes that Hiranyakashipu wanted to kill his own son Prahlada for refusing to worship him and instead choosing to worship Lord Vishnu. After failing in his attempts, Holika tricked Prahlada to sit with her on a pyre while she wore a cloak which made her immune to the fire. But as fate would have it, the cloak flew off and Holika was burned while Prahlada survived thus celebrating the victory of good over evil. The traditional Holi festival is a two-day festival with a bonfire signifying the burning of Holika on the first day and the playing with colors on the second. In the original festival, people applied the ashes of the pyre to their foreheads which was gradually replaced by colors (thankfully)!

Back to my awesome Holiday... it was an event organized by an Indian restaurant which included a covered area to play in, some colors, loud Bollywood music and a scrumptious Indian buffet. I took a train down from Stamford to Keya's house in Groton on Friday evening. I was a bit apprehensive because it was supposed to be a large group of people whom I was meeting for the first time (and mostly because I'm not good at making new friends). But as soon as I met Keya's room-mates, I knew it would be a great trip. They were extremely friendly and hospitable to me and I was soon feeling relaxed and buoyed up for the event next morning. We spent the rest of the evening cooking chicken and chatting... till it was time to rest for tomorrow would be a long day!

The next morning we woke early and started to get ready to start for Framingham. There are a few to-dos for celebrating Holi. Here they are in no particular order:

• You should wear your oldest and brightest clothes. When we were kids, we would wear dresses that were one wash away from being thrown out. Its only in movies that actors wear pristine white clothes and then mess them up beautifully... that's just for artistic effect.
• For ladies, it is advisable to tie up your hair to minimize damage. Again, don't be inspired by the heroine with her swinging tresses... She has a personal hairdresser, you don't.
• Its not cool to throw color at the eyes. For a person wearing contacts for years, its always a challenge to escape the over-enthusiastic revelers.
• "Bura na mano Holi hai" literally means that anything goes and you're not allowed to be a complaining sissy about it. Holi is not for the faint of heart.

Anyways, it was a two hour drive with beautiful sunny weather (being inside the car gave us respite from the chilly wind). We reached the event location and soon spotted many Indians gathered (most already covered with color) near a white tent with music blaring... real Bollywood music after ages. After waiting for the whole group to assemble, we were finally inside! Once inside, I soon forgot that I was with new friends and was soon dancing madly to the dance numbers being belted out. That's what Holi does to you! Almost instantly everyone was unrecognizable, all inhibitions were out of the window and the air was thick with colorful powder. It was raining colors and I was happy to be under it! I honestly don't know how long we danced but we suddenly found ourselves starving and wandering towards the laden buffet table. I guess all the dancing made us hungry and soon we were happily gorging on Indian dishes... chicken butter masala, chicken tikka, paneer... and not to mention gulab jamuns!

Holi selfie!

After a round of eating, it was back to having fun with colors and music. Slowly the party started winding down and finally it was time to go back. Thankfully we had thought of bringing plastic sheets to cover the car seat and covered with colors, we started our journey back. It had been an awesome fun-filled day and it was time for long baths and washing off colors... but nothing would wash away the memories of a raucous, happy day of celebrating a festival miles away from home. Till the next time... Happy Holi!!

A happy color-covered group

Icebreaker... Reflections on myself...

I joined the Toastmasters Club in my vicinity a couple of weeks back. I found it to be a really encouraging group of individuals who support you in your journey of being a better public speaker and making new friends in the process. Yesterday, I presented my first speech which is an introductory speech to help the members get to know you better. Here is what I presented (though I made up few lines on the way!)...

Good evening toastmasters and guests! How many of you here know my name? (Pause for answer) How many of you know what it means? Great… For those of you who don’t know… well today is your lucky day! Today I’ll be speaking about myself and I believe to know ourselves, we have to know our past and where we come from. To do this, I’ll tell you three small stories that have in some way, defined me as a person.

My first story begins a long long long (well not that long… I'm not that old)… it begins a long time ago in India. The day I was born, a lot of relatives and well-wishers came to see me and told my mom… “Oh how unfortunate… another girl! Don’t you wish it would have been a boy this time?”… I already had an elder sister so these people thought it was their "duty" to console my mother. In the midst of all this negativity… my grandfather said… “Are you kidding me? We are so happy that it’s a girl… She’s going to bring so much joy into our lives!”… And that folks is how I was named. “Sukh” in Sanskrit means “happiness”… that elusive thing we are always in pursuit of.

The reason I chose to tell this story is because it has stayed with me and taught me some things… First, a lot of times, at least in India, I would be told that I can’t do certain things because I am a girl. But its important to remember that none of it will be true. I can be anyone and do anything I want irrespective of my gender. The second thing I learnt was the value of name… that I had been named ‘Sukh’ for a purpose to bring happiness and that is what I try to do… It also motivates me to enjoy the little moments of happiness around me which we tend to forget during our busy lives. 

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The talk of happiness brings me to my next story… of family and relationships. I come from a very close-knit family with three sisters (oh yes, girls rule) and my parents … all of them made me the person I am today. In a country which can be really conservative, we were lucky that our parents taught us that being liberal does not mean disrespecting others’ choices but rather, respecting them. Where a lot of people in India “disapprove” of love marriages and a lot of them don’t even allow it, they accepted it with all their hearts (of course that is a story for another time). Last year when I got married, my father told my father-in-law… “You’re lucky, you are getting my favorite daughter as a part of your family.” Yeah I know… parents are probably supposed to say that about their children.

But I carried it in my heart as I stepped into a new, unknown life. That is because I am not perfect by any means. I’m an introvert who finds it difficult to make new friends, who says the wrong things at the wrong place a lot of times, who doesn’t know how to drive a car, who is really scared of the dark (Wow this could take up a lot of time)! But whenever I remember my dad’s line… it makes me feel that there are people for whom I am perfect. In a world that brings me face to face with me my shortcomings every day, this one instance brings a smile on my face.

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Coming to my last story… How important is career for you? Most would say… very important because it’s the way we earn our living, it helps us accomplish our professional goals. For me, my career has always been important. I was always into Computer Science even as a kid and I got to work in the field I was interested in. Ever since I completed college, I had been working. Last year when I moved to the United States, I was a dependent on my husband’s visa so I couldn’t work but I was taking all the steps to ensure that I could start working again.

While my husband and my family supported my view, a lot of people’s reaction was… “Why would you want to work? Your husband is already earning, you could just look after the house”. Of course I didn’t listen to all that but that is what my last story is. Why is it that a woman’s career is dispensable? Why can’t she do both and not choose one over the other? That is the thought I want to end with today because it is an important part of my personality… my belief that everyone is equal and that is what we should strive towards.

Thank you! 

Women's Day special... what we really asked for....

This year, like all other years, Women's Day meant that social media was cluttered with platitudes about women almost all of which proclaimed that women were no less than "goddesses", "angels", "super humans"... Well you get the gist! Contrary to making me feel proud, it made me feel extremely uneasy. I mean, just think of the huge expectations that you have just dumped on an unsuspecting woman, something that she is now obliged to live up to whether she wants to or not! Did she ask to be hailed as an angel? Did she ask to be worshiped? Did she ask to be known as a superhero? But did you stop to ask what she wanted or needed? No, you assumed that she would be grateful to see so many messages and forwards telling her she was perfect.

If only you would have asked her what she wants. Maybe she would have said that she did not want to choose between her family and her career. Maybe she would have asked not to be called a "slut" because she chose to have sex before marriage. Or maybe she would have wanted not to be treated only as a baby-producing machine because she is much more than that. Maybe she would have told you not to assume that she was using her looks to get that promotion in office. Or that just because she chose to be a homemaker, did not mean that she was good for nothing else. Or that she wanted equal pay for equal work irrespective of her gender. Or maybe that her parents not be asked to pay huge dowries for her in the name of "tradition". Maybe she would have asked you to stop repeating cliches like "women can't drive", "only women gossip", "a woman's place is at home". Maybe asked you not to intersperse her name with expletives and abuses. Who knows, she might have asked you for the gifts of respect, equality and safety instead of those chocolates, expensive jewelry and spa treatments you offered. Yes, safety and respect... maybe she would have asked for a day where she can wear what she likes and do what she likes without you judging her, mocking her, touching her, assaulting her...

Well now that you are done with the blatant show of love and respect for this Women's Day, maybe think about what you could actually do for the women in your life. Make the effort to demonstrate respect, love and equality. And if you can't do anything, just let her be. She doesn't need you to treat her like a God... she needs you to treat her as an equal because whether you like it or not, that's what she is!

Perfectly summed up my feelings!

Crushes... And all that we grew out of!

One of the most fun things about being young is getting crushes on random people. Its entertaining, seldom serious and mostly leaves behind memories that will make you smile years later (unless it becomes serious and leaves you heart-broken). Crushes are short, sweet and strong... And meant to be kept that way! Over the years my friends and I have had crushes on many people (some more than the others) and done some pretty crazy stuff (which we thought was extremely cool behavior at that time).

• The 'stalking'... This one is high up in the list. What do you do when you have a crush on someone but you just don't know enough about them? You start stalking. Nowadays we really don't have to try too hard because people voluntarily proclaim on social media what they are doing/ where they are going/ who they are with but those were the days when social media was not was not very popular and stalking was still done the old-fashioned way. Hanging around after coaching classes to see who he interacts with, where he goes. Using the ever dependent network of friends to find out more details (exactly the idea behind social networking).
  
• The 'prank calls'... Ever tried calling people, saying random things and then hanging up? That was a major activity whenever we would hang out with friends. Years before the mobile phone ended all anonymity, we had those traditional landlines (hopefully without caller IDs) where we could call and pose as talk show hosts complete with fake song requests, people claiming to count household population, one-sided lover begging for a date... the variety we had was nothing short of amazing! Of course there were also the revenge prank calls for those we didn't like *wink wink*...
  
• The 'dedication'... In those days the seriousness with which we had crushes is something I have not even shown  for my studies. Even a crush on a celebrity was something to be respected, defended and if required fought for. Oh the hours we spent fighting among ourselves to decide whose favorite cricketer/ actor/ singer was the ultimate. Then there was collecting posters, memorabilia, newspaper articles, random junk... the idea being that the most dedicated one would put in the most effort. It was finally after I moved out of the city for my job that my mother was allowed to remove all my Hrithik Roshan posters!
  
• The 'anonymity'... The best crush situation was when the person you had a crush on did not know about it (maybe did not even know who you were). Then you could basically do everything and not worry about being humiliated. You could send in anonymous song requests on the radio and not worry about getting found out. You could write endless poems and letters which would be stored away between pages of your diary (if I read them now I would probably be rolling on the floor laughing). And yes, the staring in class (or wherever you see them), observing them and their every expression, the smile that lit up their face... those were such simple joys of life.
  
• The 'heartbreaks'... Of course nothing completes the cycle without the heartbreak. Seeing someone... crushing on them... doing the above things... finding out its not going to happen (mostly because you didn't actually try)... mope around and listen to sad songs... go out and see someone else... and the cycle continues! I was so upset when Rahul Dravid got married that I refused to get out of bed (of course that one still hurts). Those were the heartbreaks that inspired poetry and stories in us. Now all it does is make us wonder is it all worth it?

No, this one doesn't have a lesson in it. We may have grown out of those silly actions but every once in a while, it brings a smile to remember those days. Yup, made me smile to remember :)

The tales of long distance relationships...

Yesterday, my flatmates and I were discussing the effects long distance has on relationships. In a world where normal relationships are difficult enough to sustain, throw the troubles of long distance into the mix and you have to ask yourself... is the relationship worth it? Having been in different long distance relationships over the years... only one of which worked out (thankfully), I often end up giving advice on this subject whether to my friends or to strangers on Quora.
So really, what is a long distance relationship worth? What are the two sides of it? What are the chances of it working out?

As usual, lets start with the NEGATIVES first (just because I want to leave something good at the end)

• Lack of trust: Trust is the most important thing which is the basis of any healthy relationship but certainly plays an even bigger role when distance threatens that trust. In a long distance relationship there is no way you can know what the other person is up to all the time (nor is it the healthy thing to do). Trust that the other person is not cheating/ lying and don't do it yourself.
  If you are trying this with the wrong person (or the wrong circumstances), somewhere the trust will be broken and you will know that it is not worth it anymore.
• Lack of communication: A long distance relationship requires a lot of patience, understanding and communication which sadly a lot of people don't have. Even if you are on different sides of the world, there are so many ways to communicate. Make sure you do it on a regular basis. Don't do it just for the sake of it, do it because you are genuinely interested. Also, there will be days when one of you is just too busy... Take out a few moments to talk...
  Communication is a great indicator of whether the person is worth all the time and trouble. If all the messages/calls are from your end only, it is time to rethink the relationship.
• Missing the physical presence: When my boyfriend moved to US, I felt that the life had gone out of the city where we spent many years together. Everywhere I went reminded my of little things we had done together... catching a movie, eating out at our favorite restaurant... There will be times when you just need the presence of the person in front of you... to hold, to touch... but he could be miles away and there is nothing much you can do about it.
  P.S. This does not mean touching someone else. I know many of us blame distance for our indiscretions but maybe its an indication of changing needs.
• Lost in translation: One of the most difficult things in a long distance is managing during fights and arguments. Imagine being on opposite sides of the world. When one of you is waking up, the other is about to go to bed. Now imagine an argument during that time... when you want to finish the argument before going to bed and your partner wants to avoid it because his/her day is just starting and no one wants to fight at the beginning of the day. All these things lead to the buildup of tension and leads to the argument becoming worse than it actually was.
  Don't let the argument become bigger than the relationship... resolve it before it blows out of proportion. 
• Out of sight... Out of mind: There is a saying "out of sight... out of mind" (by some genius) and unfortunately it does come true in lot of cases. I have come across so many stories where people have moved apart because the distance just became too much to handle. Many times, people get closer to someone who is in the near vicinity simply because it is more convenient. These are not excuses, but a harsh reality. Since their partner is far away and it seems that they are missing out on important moments of life, people find someone else who is closer and seems to be there to spend time with.
  I know from experience that long distance relationships might start to seem like a waste of time but with the right person, all the waiting and the hours of talking on the phone will be worth it.
  
  

And now finally, we come to the POSITIVES of a long distance relationship (yes there are some good sides of it)

• A worthy relationship: A long distance relationship will prove to you whether it is worth your time and effort. It will survive the distance and time and emerge stronger than ever. It is easy to be committed to a person who is in front of  you and ready to spend time to you whenever you want but it is whole another experience to keep that love and commitment intact when all you get is a Skype call before one of you has to go to sleep.
  What I have learnt is that if your relationship can survive long distance, it can survive a lot! 
• Listen and not just hear: You learn to listen and understand each other better when you don't have the advantage of seeing the person face-to-face. A lot of times we are so involved in the activity we are doing together, we don't really listen to each other. But when all the other distractions are gone and all you have are words to bridge that distance, those words become more meaningful than ever. You learn to pay attention to what the other person is saying because it forms a big part of how you can experience each others worlds without being in front of each other.
• Absence makes the heart grow fonder: You start to remember the good times rather than the bad. As human beings, we always try to remember good memories instead of bad ones. When you are away from a person, you'll recall their good qualities and the great times you spent together. You'll miss them and want to be with them. This is a very good thing... use the opportunity to remind your partner how much they are being missed. It will remind them of the good memories and keep the romance alive. If possible, plan trips to see each other and refuel the relationship.
• Grow as a person: When two people are always physically together, they might not have time for themselves as individuals. Instead of seeing the long distance as a negative, see it as an opportunity to spend on yourself and your hobbies and interests. Spend it on allowing yourself to grow and mature as a person. Often we get so lost in another person, we forget our individuality because we are too busy being a couple. Instead of that, spend time with your friends, get a new talent and the next time you meet your partner... you can show it off! Growing as a person you will also deal with your relationship and it will give you more insight on whether the relationship is real.
• Finally, the meeting: I'll leave the best for the last.. when you meet after time apart, its the best feeling in the world! Seriously, after months (sometimes years) of only talking over phone/ internet it is an incredible feeling to meet the person you love. The very moment you see him coming out of the airport gates and its all you can do to stop yourself from running into his arms... nothing can beat that feeling. And knowing that your love has survived a lot, that just makes everything more special.

Its difficult to be in a long distance relationship and I would not advise it if you have other options but sometimes life does not give you a choice. So if you are faced with the distance, don't let the situation overwhelm you. Let it be a test which might just make your relationship stronger than it is. And believe that one day... not too far away... the person you love will be in your arms!

I can so relate to this!

When the going gets tough...

When life springs surprises, there is no saying what you'll end up with. It could be good surprise or a nasty one. It may take you to cloud nine or bring you down to your knees. But one thing is certain... when the going gets tough, the tough get going! Before you start wondering what this is all about, let me give you the complete backstory.

About a year ago, when I left my homeland and came to the United States, I was a dependent on my husband. I was one of the countless Indian women who come to the States with their spouse and who cannot be employed here because they don't have a work visa. For someone who had started working straight out of college and never imagined a day when she would be unemployed, it was a life-altering situation. Suddenly the routine that had dictated my life... waking up, getting ready, commuting to office, dealing with the work for the day, coming back home after good and bad days at office and reacting accordingly... was not there anymore. The first few weeks were like an extended vacation... the first one in 5 years and I enjoyed them thoroughly with my husband. Having just got married, it was a honeymoon period in a perfect location. And then that period started feeling stale. As far as I could see, endless free days stretched ahead. But far from feeling free, what I was feeling was scared and listless. The days started getting longer and there seemed to be an emptiness within me which no amount of Game of Thrones or reruns of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. could fill. I'm sure its a familiar feeling felt by many people who have had to give up working for various reasons. Even if the reasons are strong, it sometimes feels frivolous. But this piece is about how to be stronger than your worries. So instead of whiling away days, I started looking for ways to fill them meaningfully. I rediscovered sketching... something I had not touched for years. I met people who encouraged me to create crafts and learn new things like crochet. I joined the local library and read to my heart's content. I restarted my old blog and sharing pieces with my friends... something that I had missed doing for years. Instead of viewing cooking as an arduous task, I started experimenting with new recipes and different kinds of items (often with disastrous results). Swimming is another thing that I tried to learn during this time. I even started self-learning to play the piano app on my iPhone by looking up notes on the internet. There were times when I felt lonely and depressed... when people who I considered friends turned against me. I tried to focus myself by joining Yoga classes. The point is, I realized that I had been gifted valuable time to broaden my horizons instead of whining about what I couldn't have. Once I realized this, there was no looking back.

Wearing crochet hats that I made...

And then came another change in my life... my work permit was approved and I got a job... something I had been desperately waiting for. Suddenly my life was turned upside down because the job I got was in a different state far away from Florida. Within a week I was supposed to uproot my life, leave my husband back home and move to Connecticut. As if the pain of separation was not enough, I would be leaving the sunshine state and moving to a snow-covered one to live with complete strangers. For a person who does't even drive, it was a terrifying feeling. It was almost so surreal that even while I was packing, I was having a hard time believing it. Looking around the apartment that we had made our first home after marriage, I broke down many times. The thought of not waking up next to my husband everyday was so scary that it made me want not to go. But every time I felt weak, I reminded myself that I had desperately been wanting to work and had finally been given the chance. A chance that not everyone gets. So when the day came when I had to wave goodbye to my husband as he left for Florida, I was determined to face each day with a smile and count my blessings that I had been given the chance to work and continue my career. So I moved into an apartment with three other girls and started a new phase of life. So far I have experienced a snow shower, managed to get lost on the way to the train-station and missing my husband like crazy. There will be days when I will wish things were different, but its still a chance I would take.

First day outside my office...

What scares us most is changing what is familiar. When faced with an unfamiliar territory, it is difficult to let go of what makes us comfortable and go down a new path. If only we can let go of the fear of the unknown, there could be great things waiting for us. So yes, the going does get tough sometimes but those are the times when the tough have to get going!